Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

babblebabble

2010-07-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

wow, I can't believe the last time I blogged was in... January!! I'm really not great at this blogging thing! And this is the first sign that I've been in australia too long - I want to ask you how you're doing. haha! and I don't even know if anyone even reads this thing. Both here and in the US every where you go every person you meet wants to know 'how you're going'. At first it was quite touching - but then got a bit awkward when the cashier seemed to want a full account of what i'd been up to that day and what I had planned for the weekend. Maybe it's just me and my asian upbringing but I wasn't quite prepared to stand there and share my life happenings with a complete stranger. But I've been recently coming to learn that usually when people ask me 'how are you doing?' and 'what will you be up to' they are expecting simple answers like 'good!' and 'not much!' - not the detailed descriptions that i've been providing - i'm sure i've freaked many a cashier out by now! oh well.. they were asking for it!

You know I've been thinking, why the heck do I have a blog? I mean I have a journal- I record my thoughts there, I mean who am I even talking to since I'm pretty sure no one ever reads this- yet I still want to write in it. Maybe this is one way in which I express who I am/ who I want to be to others. This is the one place I can babble on and say whatever I want for however long I want without having to really care how my 'listener' feels or will react to it. and sure you can comment, but you can't interrupt. Is this a selfish thing then? Is this self-absorbed? Why do I have this need to express myself and my thoughts and let the 'whole world' know? Then again, I think this blog helps me figure out who my 'true' self is.. in the sense that, I'm not talking to one person in particular, so I'm not trying to make that person feel comfortable or adjusting to their needs and style. I am expressing my own... I guess.

It's complicated, the self. At uni I'm doing a unit on 'The Self and Others' - and at first I was quite dreading it because it is really theoretical, philosophical - and I like real, concrete stuff. But now I realise, it's really making me think in a different way. It's making me think about the way I interact with others- how I define me, how I help others define themselves and vice versa. Really interesting stuff. And I wonder, is there a point at which you understand - you finally figure out the kinda person you are? (A friend once told me your brain only matures fully when you hit 25.. maybe then?) I guess not- not ever fully, because then I'd be undermining the work of God. He is complex, and so is His creation. But it's definitely frustrating - I'm an impatient kind of person - I want to know, everything.. now. But when you have a world full of complex people thrown into this complex situation called life with a complex God in charge of it all - it's impossible to understand everything - life is complicated. And I'll be honest, alot of the time I don't have the patience to sit around and make mistakes, take baby steps and learn, and that's my downfall. Task-oriented people like me belong behind a desk doing admin I tell you! :P So I guess in that sense having a blog is good for me- it forces me to take baby steps and figure out what i'm thinking where i'm at. Strangely enough, though it seems like I'm typing this to someone else - the person I'm really writing to is me. Not that I don't want anybody to read this (though I have no idea why they would!)- but I can't express to myself who I am (through expressing who I want to be) if there is no 'other' to express it to. and that makes me think - is who I want to be, part of who I am?? I think so. A friend of mine once told me there is no point in taking personality tests cause that's not who you are - it's who you'd like to think you are. But I'd say - who I'd like to be is very much part of who I am, even if not explicitly.
It's been a confusing year, trying to figure out who I am - who I want to be - how much that's tied in to who others want me to be. and I know for sure if not for God's grace in my life I'd have torn myself up by now, frustrated that I can't figure me out and that I'm taking this long (I know, I am quite the perfectionist). It's scary that I have all this expectation of myself, and it makes me wonder do I have it of others as well, especially those older than me, to have all the answers, to have it all figured out. And if there's one thing that keeps me sane it's that God loves me despite me - despite my confusion and dilemma, despite my brokenness and facades, despite my embarrassments and insecurities- He gives me the grace to make those mistakes, take those baby steps. Cause through Christ's death and in His eyes I am already everything I'm striving to be, everything He wants me to and created me to be. It's mysterious and strange, but true. That I can know myself to be one thing, yet know to be another in God's eyes. 'For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified' Hebrews 10:14 what kind of love is this?? it's too amazing, a Love that perfects those who believe in it. so I know I can hold on to this one Truth - in which I am completely sure of - while I tackle all the other truths life presents me (and sometimes confuses me!) with. Life is hard, but God is good.

reality

2009-12-19T06:27:00.001-08:00

so.. i'm back at long last hehe :) i was lying on my bed just now and kinda frustrated at God. I know He exists and I know all He's done in my life but I wanted to know and I asked him quite shamelessly - why can't you just show yourself? why can't you just be visible so that everyone will see? so that everyone will know who you are and turn to you? so that people wont think i'm completely nuts? :P and I was kinda expecting an answer that went something like - you can't understand the mysteries of God, or who are you to question God and His ways - but instead i felt God shoot me a question in return - who says being able to see something makes it more real? in fact who says being able to feel or smell or hear something makes it more real too? 'Haven't your eyes tricked you more than once Ruby?' He asked me. 'Haven't you thought you saw something that wasn't really there after all? your eyes 'playing tricks' on you as they say. Haven't you smelt or tasted something before and thought it was something else? How reliable are your senses? Can they really prove to you what is real and what is not? In fact, the things that you know for sure, you cannot see or hear or touch or smell - a mother's love, the hope that life will get gradually better, the existence of right and wrong. These things can't be measured or logically reasoned but for some reason you know them to be more true than most things.

I was pretty blown away by the things God was challenging me with but how true they are! And
so I can truly say more than anything else in the world I KNOW the presence and love of my mighty God. I'm not imagining it even if science tries to tell me I am - I know it with every morsel in my body with every inch of my spirit and every bit of my soul - if not anything else in the world - I know this to be true - Jesus loves me.

What hurts the most

2009-11-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

What hurts the most

You know I was just thinking about what exactly hurts the most when it comes down to it all. And I really feel, at least at this point in my life, that it's getting into a routine of things and then having it taken away. Like having to move to a new environment, whether it's school or work or family or friends, like always having something to anticipate, like a weekly meeting or school or some other regular event and then suddenly having it taken away. Like seeing a loved one, knowing they are there, talking to them, and then all of a sudden they pass away or move away for good. Somehow nothing can prepare us for that kind of loss, even when we know it's coming. It still hurts! Especially when we find out how much we'd taken that person/thing/event for granted. We always wish we'd treasured them just that little bit more! but so many times that is so impossible in the immediate. I guess what routines do is give us some sort of stability in our lives, a kind of happiness and peace, like 'phew! there's something constant happening in my life!' When someone's gone from my life, I usually miss them most when I'm doing something I used to do with them, but not anymore. When my routine gets disrupted and suddenly not as enjoyable anymore. Is that really selfish?? Maybe it is, maybe it's just part of being human. Sometimes routines can be something you don't really enjoy during the process, but you somehow seem to still miss it when it's gone. I guess that's all part of routines never being totally perfect. People, ourselves, events, things not being perfect and so I know that I can easily find fault in every aspect of my life that I crave stability in. It could be 'that person wasn't very nice to me today' or 'today's episode didn't even make sense' or 'this book just wasn't as good as the last' or 'practice was just way too draining today' or 'school sucked today'. And I do and say things that I regret later when I realise just how much I treasured what that thing meant for my life. Fact is I'm a selfish being alot of the time and I know that if I don't already know that, then I'm one of the worst. I can alot of the time, only see what's infront of me, feel what is happening at that moment, and not look at the circumstance in the perspective of my whole life, of others' whole lives - see then I'd be Jesus, and i'm not. of course I'll try, but I'm imperfect, and regret is gonna be an inevitable feeling that i'm gonna have to deal with throughout my life. (thankfully that's what Jesus died to deal with for me!) Still, I search for stability in my life everyday in so many things, even when they can disappoint me. I search for stability in constantly changing, and imperfect factors- and it doesn't really work. Now, it's selfish to demand perfect stability from an imperfect something (even our imperfect selves), but is it selfish to want that stability and constant joy? I don't think so.. I think we're made that way. I think it's very typically human to crave satisfaction and stability. Well then if we're made that way then there must be a solution.. something that never changes and satisfies unconditionally. Surely a God wouldn't create desires in our hearts so that we are doomed to always be searching and not finding, waiting and never finding the answer, no I don't think we have to look very far :)

Definitely one major thing I've been learning this year is that I need to have a God routine. Whether it's just waking up every morning and reading a bible passage and hearing from and learning from Him or talking to Him on my way to school (not out loud of course!!! :P) or singing Him a song before I head to bed, telling Him about my day, letting Him renew my strength again, knowing every second that He's here beside me understanding my every feeling, my every thought. I remember my friend once telling our group of friends how everyone has a habit/routine that they do before going to bed. For her, it was talking on the phone to someone, be it her boyfriend, her parents, a friend, before she went to sleep. Another friend said how she had to watch a little bit of a korean drama before she got to bed!! :P I didn't answer, but after thinking a little while, I knew I couldn't end my day without talking to God, without telling Him how much I loved Him and saying sorry for any stupid things I did during the day. See, He is my constant. He's the only one who can truly and honestly and wholly love me despite whatever I might have done to hurt Him or anyone during the day. He's the only one who is always, every second by my side, and He's the only one who understands me totally, who gets me!! He's the only one who can save me from any, and I mean ANY problem i'm in and heal me of any pain I have. He's the only one who will never leave me or forsake me or stop loving me! That's why He's my routine. Just by knowing He's with me He's my routine. And to put that burden of being my routine on any human or any event is being unfair to them and to myself; is being silly.

For long time I thought helping others is all I wanted to do and all I needed. Others would be my world, my life. But too soon I realised how 1) dangerous (I was getting involved in people's private, sacred, confidential, mouldable lives) and 2) tiring (I gave myself the task of being responsible FOR another's life and what they did with it) it became. People were dependent on me and I in a strange , unhealthy but very real way was also dependent on them. I was trying to live off the happiness I got from helping them. I made others my aim, my purpose my primary concern. It all sounds very good and honourable but it really is the worst thing you can do for anyone and for yourself. It didn't matter how many 'outlets' i had, however many journals and people I could talk to, suddenly what was meant to be about 'them' became rapidly about me needing my daily fix of 'I did something good today for somebody'. It all started crumbling really bad esp when my help just wasn't helping anymore and I started becoming to emotionally drained to be of any actual help to anybody. I started getting annoyed and frustrated, I couldn't do it on my own. I really thank God that He sent people my way to show me that in essence, I'm not gonna be of any real help to anybody if I'm not happy myself first. The minute my world revolves around anybody, i'm not going to be able to help them. No, my world needs to be revolving constantly around the only true source of joy and strength, my Creator. And slowly as I made my routine God and got expert advice from Him about how to help, when to help and when not to, I was actually of some proper assistance to people. And yes, of course it made me happy to help them, but more than anything, I was joyful dwelling with my God, hearing from Him ,drawing my strngth from Him and working for Him , who never disappoints!! :) :) :)

So I'm not saying routines are bad, I need routines, if my life is constantly changing and i'm constantly trying different things I think i'll go crazy!!! I need to find out what I'm good at and focus on a few things, I need to have a plan especially when it comes to studying haha! :P but I know that no routine except my God routine will ever be forever constant and will bring me constant satisfaction!! so I need to add my God routine to my every day!! :) :) :)

lesson 2

2009-11-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

Another thing I’ve learnt from mum is to GET MY PRIORITIES RIGHT! I think the biggest thing that’s left an impact on me is the fact that my mom took time off work for me when I was a baby!!!! Yes I was screaming and crying and wouldn’t let go of her leg while she tried to leave the house!! But instead of pushing me off she decided to take another...(oh no I can’t rmb!!!) few months off work just to take care of me and keep nursing me and oh psychologists today would tell you she did the right thing!! But most of all I treasure that story because however many things my mom had to do, whatever plans she had before her, however many months of leave she’d already taken up till then, she chose to take care of her family first, career second. Soon enough she’d come to find that this stubborn baby turned into an even more stubborn two-year-old with even more tantrums and tears, and her tactics would definitely change!! :P but that story of her laying aside her job to give me some extra lovin, I will always keep dear to my hearttt!!! And I am glad to say that HOWEVER many positions my mom’s been offered throughout her career, and however manny opportunities she’s taken hold of to advance her career, my mom has never ever become a workaholic!!!!! Woohooo!! I never thought of how hard this must’ve been for mum! 1) just the fact that she is brilliant at what she does, in fact, at WHATEVER she does- and how tempting the praise and the potential pay-rises would’ve have been were she to spend long nights at the office! 2) living in Singapore –the kiasu nation- and having workmates who are out to compete and win , who have crazy expectations of themselves -it’s shocking that i don’t remember my mom ever getting influenced by them! No mum is always ready to come home, even if coming home means she has to do a million and one more things like cooking dinner and putting the clothes for laundry, clearing the dining table (yet again!), calling and finding out where everyone is... I remember I’d always call mum around 5/6 (even today!! :P) wondering when she would be back and counting down the hours (maybe fill it up with a little tv?) till she did! But I could always be sure I would hear the distinct jungle of mum’s keys soon enough! (unless of course she was having one of her ladies’ nights we were never invited to!! :P) mum’s always had her priorities right when it came to her job too. It never became about the money it was always about the passion and about God’s voice. Her priority has always been to impact young lives through the skills and love that God’s given her and that is always her aim! She’s had so many many children, not just students! She is always checking with God that she’s on the right track and letting Him rule her life and guide her, even if it’s not the way she woulda planned it, cause she knows only her Father knows her way, the perfect future for her! And what more wonderful plans He must have for her, how exciting!!! And because of that mum’s given me the freedom to choose MY passion in uni over what may be more certain but also more torturous. She’s left my plans up to God and has never tried to plan my life for me!! Instead she’s lived life in a way that would teach me and help me to make the right decision. She set the example and help me get my priorities straight!!! :)
I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Rubsa!

Dedicated to my mother on her birthday!!

2009-11-06T19:31:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to my mother on her birthday!!

Life lessons I’ve learnt from my mom (a.k.a momster, a.k.a muzzie, a.k.a mazda) ... SO FAR! J

Ok of course apart from the usual ‘Rubsa don’t stick coins on the wall!’ ‘Rubsa careful you don’t staple your finger’ (i did it 3 times!), ‘ ‘Rubsa be careful of that mug!’, ‘Rubsa don’t pick all the rubbish off the shopping centre floor!’, ‘Rubsa don’t play the harmonica on your teeth with your nails!’ (don’t ask.) and the ever so infamous- ‘Rubsa YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL OF YOUR THINGS!’ (on record i’ve misplaced around 10 wallets (retrieved 7/10 times) and 2 handphones (once taxi, once ACJC toilet :P)... on record. Hehe.), I’ve learnt many many things from just watching my mom live and learning from her! So I thought I would start sharing just a few that i’ve learnt, starting with one today!

Lesson #1 – Jesus loves you more.

I think one thing that I have quite unconsciously kept with me all these many many years is that Jesus loves me more. From when I was so very very little and being potty trained even, I remember my mom used to ask me – ‘Who loves you?’ and my response was of course, ‘mommy!!’ and then she would ask – ‘Who loves you more than mommy does?’ and I would shout ‘JESUS!!!’ and however much that might have become a routine for me at that time, it was a truth that has become so ingrained in me and has kept my life so much in perspective! Fact is, my mom knew there would be times that I would be mad at her, disappointed with her and ‘not friend her’! she knew there’d be times when she would get frustrated with me and I would disappoint her! She knew that neither of us could love each other unconditionally, and she knew that she couldn’t always be there for me, and she knew that she couldn’t fix everything wrong that would happen in my life. So instead she turned me toward the true source of unconditional, unlimited, unchanging, Love, Jesus! Instead she pointed me toward the only One who will always always always be there for me and who can save me from any bad situation, any hopeless circumstance. See, I think a mother, like mine, that can say to her baby, who she has cared for and sacrificed time and work and money and energy and heart for, who she has taught and apprehended and helped grow and nurture, ‘Jesus loves you more’ is a truly loving mother!! A mother that doesn’t take any of the credit, but accredits my growth to her God, who however much she loves me, acknowledges her imperfections and points to the greatest Love instead of to herself, she is a mother who truly loves and who is truly wise and who truly deserves the special and incomparable role, ‘MOTHER’!! Because of this lesson she taught me from such a young age I have learnt to depend on God – despite the situation, whether big or small, and He has never ever failed me! She taught me to love Him first, and because of that my heart could never get that broken, because it was rooted in, founded on His never-ending Love for me. Every time I feel upset, or my heart gets too heavy for me, I run to my room – yes sometimes to bawl my eyes out when no-one’s looking, but mostly to say God I know You’re here with me, come and be my comforter, come and be my strength, come and be my fortress in my time of need! See, my mom ensured, that my first point of reference, my help, will be the One who will and can never let me down!! Thank you mommy!!!!!!!!!!!

Who loves you mom??? –RUBSA!!
Who loves you more than Rubsa mom?? JESUS!!!!!!

:D :D :D

Love,
Rubsa

SHORTEST POST EVER

2008-10-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

hello! i will officially be back on the 7TH OF DECEMBER!! can't wait to see everyone back home!!!! I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH I'M SORRY I DON'T KEEP IN CONTACT AS I SHOULD!! PLEASE REMEMBER I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!! friends having a-levels i can't start to imagine what it's like for u guys right now but i'm praying hard from over here for u guys =) don't compromise your health for your exams alright it's not worth it! will post more soon! =) =) =) =)

i'm not so good at this eh? =)

2008-10-12T02:12:00.000-07:00

yes i'm baaaccckk =) it feels good to be back! not that i actually have the time to be back but it's a GREAT form of procrastination if you ask me! my past month has been amazing and i've learnt so much. it's time to buckle down and study from now on unfortunately =( it's still annoying having to do my washing and cleaning and sometimes cooking in the middle of all this but it's stime i get used to it! i mean i'm already getting served dinner here i have no idea what it's gonna be like if i had to come home and cook dinner everyday! it would be horrible =( i mean i'm totally fine if i were a simple housewife (and i'm NOT saying that the job of a housewife is simple! trust me. i've watched ENOUGH operah to know better!) with my main priorities being cooking, cleaning and teaching the kids. aaahh what a good life. i mean i bet if i actually had time to cook i would form a passion for it! maybe even for cleaning the dishes but now it's just an extra chore on tp of everything else. ok enough of my complaining! =) school has been good. i'm really enjoying the stuff i'm learning and the annoying bits in math are finally over and done with! the harder essays are done (with not excellent results but hey.. it's done!) and now it's just about committing more time to my work. sorry to all the singapore kids out there who are slaving over As and therefore probably not even reading this but i love the way things are taught here and i love the stuff i'm studying.. not so excited about uni now but ahh that's 5 months away! i know the year's not over yet and the tough exams are only gonna be in november but i really have enjoyed this year and i wanna take time to tell my mom who may be reading this that i'm really really grateful to you for sending me here i couldn't have thought of a better solution! :D i actually love australia.. so much so that i'm really not so keen on going back to singapore anymore :P i mean i really wanna see my family and friends but i'd rather them all come here! i KNOW i'm gonna get really annoyed at singapore's regimented system of doing things and just how unfriendly everyone is. it really annoys me! esp after seeing how much better things could be if people just had a smile on their face! :P i know i always talk about God but i really can't help it He's been doing so many great things in my life i can't help but talk about it! :D I recently went to church camp in the country and i had an awesome time!! God spoke to me so clearly about some problems I was facing and two people prophesied (told me something about my future which God revealed to them) over me! The prophecies spoke so much hope into my life cause they talked about how God was gonna grow me without me having to DO anything but trust Hima nd how he was gonna use the least of me to impact and help others, that He will use me so that the birds of the air can come nest in my branches. So much more passion for God and the bible has just been growing in me and I've been learning so so so so much more and at the same time so so so much more humbled by the greatness of God. this past month I've seen His healing in church.. so many people have been healed of muscle problems and other injuries. infact my japanese friend, Natsuki who lives with me in the hostel and who i brought to church was healed of her muscle pull in her archeles tendant after we had prayed for her and now she's a happy and free ballerina our God is so great!
God has also been showing me just how much power work has had over my life. I fasted for 21 days from 2 hours of sleep in the morning (during which i usually study/ do homework) and just prayed instead. It was so amazing and slowly I came to realize how much i lived to study. even when i didn't need to study and i could relax i felt guilty for not studying. i couldn't enjoy any of my weekends cause i would be stressing over the amount of work i had due. but i learnt that however much studying is a priority here for me I cannot allow myself to let it control me, cannot allow myself to live for it, to please myself or even my parents. cause in the end it is still.. meaningless. it seems only an eternal cause is worth working for.. :P so in general life has been good! learning LOADS and hopefully growing up at last! :P love you all back home! missing you badly! will post again soon =)

I'M UPDATING!!! AAAAHHHH! =D

2008-07-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

hello everyone who reads this i'm sure i love you very much and miss you very much as well! wow i have A LOT to catch up on eh?? haha! hmmm.. first let me put up some pictures that i took during my first term break when i went to williamstown =)

ok so they're not the most amazing pictures cause they were taken with my phone! but it really was beautiful i just sat there and had the longest times of prayer and reflection that i've had in a lonnngg time. so peaceful! i was in williamstown to see my wonderful niece and nephew but i unfortunately don't have a picture with them!!! i think we only took photos with my niece's camera.. anyway wow i have so much to recap on!! term one went pretty well overall!! well studies wise anyway! i think i'm kinda getting used to staying alone now and doing my own washing and cooking and cleaning and all that jazz. well.. i wish it were jazz.. but it's more like heavy metal that keeps pounding and pounding and never seems to stop and no panadol can ever take the pain away!!! ok.. so maybe i'm not so used to it yet! :P i dunno i can't remember alot of happened guys so i'm gonna fast forward! so i went back to singapore!! yayyyy!! i was really really happy! i don't tihnk i realised how much i missed home until i got home. ok so i didn't miss the exxtreme levels of H2O in the air but i was so happy to see everyone again!! my FAMS. who i love so much and i miss so much!!! just hearing everyone on the phone from over here! so much comfort! i can be who i am at home. and my frienndddssss!!! i didn't get to see alot of people!! but i did get to see my really close ones who made time specially to see me even though they're having exams and stuff! i love you alll!!! special shoutout to my cell + some other random ppl from cluster: thank you for making my little 2 week trip back so special!! i miss you all already!! =(

ooh ooh i forgot my parents came to melbourne!!! ok we need to back track a little! they came a few weeks before i left! and so they got to see where i live and see how independent i've become! haha!

my mom chilling on my paddlepop bed =)

so after this memorable trip my dad had the most hilarious dream in which he took bus 105 from the bus stop near out house and in like 15 mins he reached the train station which is near my hostel here in melbourne! then he go so excited cause he couldn't wait to call and tell me that he'd found a shortcut to my hostel and to school and he was thinking how much money we could save and how now i could come back everyday after school! hahaha! funny pops.

hmmm.. i can put up pictures of some of my friends in melbourne so you can see them!

great friends from school! not sure how much they're gonna like me anymore when they find this picture online but yea we were using the web cam to 'cam whore'(sorry i have to use the word however much i hate it!! i just can't find a good substitute!) and well two of us kinda failed after a while =) i haven't really been taking pictures with friends in school! it's pretty hard cause you don't have classes together all the time. always moving around like in uni. but i will be sure to take more from now on!

These are my amazing hostel friends that have kept me sane these past few months! =)

wow i don't know what to say. these past 6 months just zoomed past. i am learning a lot but really really slowly! God has been good. He's been so faithful!! so so faithful. so many blessings i've received! an amazing timetable great friends and His presence to keep me company in my loneliness and homesickness. but there are also many many pits just sitting there waiting for me to fall into. so many temptations in this country!! but yea God's just always keeping me strong! i'm sure i have alot more to say it's just it's really late and my brain isn't working and i'm still trying to comprehend why anybody would wanna read about my boring life! :P will talk more about my subjects and new found love for literature soon! [the mother beams proudly and secretly wishes that her youngest will follow in her footsteps. not gonna happen mom! sorry! :P] miss all of you so much! :D

P.S is it just me or are the word verification thingies getting harder and harder to decipher?? argh.

God is so GOOD

2008-02-21T19:04:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!! I'm SO SO MUCH BETTER now!! I've been meeting new people and i'm having a blast!! haha! God has been AMAZING!! He's been bringing me new friends every single day and i'm just so thankful! I've made a really good friend here in e hostel! She's really great and really easy to talk to! and we go running in e mornings! oh! and yesterday night i had a tv-ice cream night with her and another girl! we just ate alot of junk while watching The Biggest Loser and then we felt so guilty about it! haha! yea and in school i finally got e chance to meet the people in my group!! And they're fantastic people! oh oh! ok so the night before last i was chatting to Karyn online and she tells me that there's a girl named yeni in trinity and asked me if i'd met her and well i hadn't. then e next morning i went for this computer thing where only my group people would be and i didn't know anyone! AND they printed the wrong add to get to the place so i got a bit lost. then I found this girl from china named yan who was coincidentally lost and in my gp too so i walked with her! (God is so good!!) then i got to the class and i sit down with her and then another girl sits beside me a while later then we talk a bit and she tells me her name is yen and i tell her i'm from crescent and she goes oh oh! you know karyn?? SO YES! it was her yeni!! haha! and then i meet another girl in my gp who was from AC last year too!! everyday's been really tiring but fun and i'm just so so thankful! God's really assuring me that He will provide and He has been so much!! For some reason i keep thinking that surely at some point all these blessings will stop or at least decrease.. i mean God's given me so much already! But then God reminds me that His blessings will never stop flowing and He will always give us more than we expect! :) My song for this season! :

My God is so big, so strong so mighty,
My god is so good, so good to me
He's my God and He is my refuge,
He's the Rock on which I stand
He's my fortress, God He is my life,
He holds the oceans in His hands!!
There's nothing my God cannot do!
There's nothing my God cannot do! =D

God has really been getting me through all of this, providing me friends and rest and fun and I just wnt to take this time to thank EVERY single person who's been praying for me i appreciate it so much! God has blessed me so so much I can't even express it in words! my homesickness lasted for like what, one day?? that just doesn't happen!! haha! But God has been my comfort and my friend. God is good, ALL the time =)

2008-02-21T04:12:00.000-08:00

As requested. pics of my room! :D

Nur saffiah and I cooked dinner last night can you believe it! and it was gooooddd :) we made pasta and mashed potatoes and salad! =)

my first day without mommy

2008-02-17T13:11:00.000-08:00

heyyy! so.. my first night without mom in e hostel turned out to be really sucky!! I just had nothing to do with myself cause i didn't feel like reading, the tv is always hogged by someone else and the internet was working last night! i managed to cry and talk to God though and realised that I've GOT to learn to depend on God not on my mom or myself or my friends. Though it's so much easier to type than to actually do. I had a really early night last night cause I simply had nothing to do.. tried to sleep at 930 but it was physically impossible! not that i wasn't tired or anything i was exhausted but it was so HOT. so i opened the windows, and well it didn't help much cause of e netting and plus it was so so NOISY. my room is right beside a road you see so i know exactly at what point someone is crossing the street cause of e noisy traffic lights and when a tram has come.. so basically i didn't get much sleep at all despite my 'early' night.. but well enough complaining from me! I still haven't made many friends here at e hostel, and school is beginning to be my sanctuary which is really strange. At least there everyone's willing and trying to make friends. Here, everyone already has.. okok GOOD thing : the garden here is a really good place to do my quiet time!! it's really peaceful and no one ever comes so it's easy to talk to God! IT's kinda nice to have my own room too i guess. it's small but it's mine and that's nice to know. well well i gotta start leaving for school now. i'll post more another time and let's hope it's a bit more pleasant then :P

aussieland here i am!

2008-02-12T13:07:00.000-08:00

heyyy! blogging from down under :)! Yesterday was a good day so i'm quite happy now! but i'm also having to face the fact that school starts tomorrow and i'll have to start making friends all over again :P But anyway we'll get to that stuff later! Firstly, we're cold but safe. The first day we came it was really really cold so we didn't have very high hopes for this supposed summer season but then it got better.. actually started feeling hot the next few days! We really didn't do much house hunting on the weekend cause everything's closed but we had lots of options to look at so on monday we were quite overwhelmed.. I think we just weren't used to the culture here of walking cause we're just so used to hailing a cab to get to wherever we need to be if we're lost. cab fares are crazy here though so we ended up walking a whole lot when we only visited one or 2 places that day.. But we continued our hunt yesterday and PRAISE THE LORD we found one! :) It was the first one we visited that day. It's called Madre Nazarena. It's a catholic hostel (if i can call it that:P) and it's run by nuns. It's an all-girls hostel, I get my own room but I can still interact with the others cause there's a communal kitchen and toilet and the place is so CLEAN! and so orderly! the fridge has different compartments for the different rooms so you can store your own food without it getting eaten! Breakfast and dinner are provided every weekday and on the weekends we'll have to cook our own food. so i better start learning to cook cause it's just way too expensive to eat out.. each meal is around 7-9 dollars which is a whole lot of money! so anyway before we saw this place in the morning we were using directions which i'd tirelessly written down in my mom's important notebook to get there and so we eventually got to the tram stop and got off.. without the notebook! yes. i left it on the tram! and i honestly was so so shocked cause i just didn't remember what i did with it at all! I didn't even remember putting it on the seat or anything! well anyway we were both really sad and angry with me and we had to figure out a way to get to all the places we needed to be after that.. and so we took trams and walked and walked and walked only to find that the next hostel had no room and that we didn't have much energy left to keep looking. anyway we decided in the end that my losing the note book
was divine intervention! haha! ok maybe not. but I'm sure God still used it to show us that Madre Nazarena was the place He wanted me to live in. oh ya oh ya! when we were trying to find our way around without the notebook we were just getting more and more confused cause we had no idea where we were going then i realised i hadn't once prayed, and although it was mostly out of utter desperation i prayed and God answered. He led us, though on a long journey, all the way to the next hostel.. It was really God who showed us how to use the map because honestly both my mom and i are bad with maps! Anyway God's been blessing us greatly and i'm really happy about the hostel.. scared, but happy :) so i just wanna take this time to thank EVERYONE who's been praying for me for this trip and everyone who's just supported me through this 'journey' :P School's starting soon and i'm finally getting a little excited about it (yes anita akka it's true! :)) There's still a lot of things to buy and a lot of moving to do (cause we're currently staying quite far from the hostel) and a lot of people to miss :P but God's been giving me the energy to do it and I just feel so blessed! I have more to say but i gotta go get ready to go out for some breakfast now so i'll update again soon promise!! definitely more than once a month again :P love all you guys and miss you all A WHOLE LOT! have a g'day maties! (sorry i just can't help it) :D

hiiiii!

2007-10-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

hello everyone!!! they're officially OVER!!!!
hahahaha! nono don't worry this is really a new post! miracle eh aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! i'm baaaaaaaaaaccckkk!!! i know i'ts been like 5 days since my promos ended but i think it's finall hit me! aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! i can relaaaaxxxx at last! unfortunately.. e problem with me is.. tt's harder than actually studying sometimes :D i sit in fromt onf e tv feeing horribly guilty most of e time.. like i'm wasting my time away.. which i am.. but surely i have permission to do so now! ah anyway! my promos went horribly. so horribly i hate talking about it so i'm not going to! =) i feel sooooo much better than i ever have after any exam. this one just took too much out of me. i will forever hate burger king and delifrance in holland v. kfc's quite smart.. they don't let students study there :D in this memorable miraculous blog entry i will OFFICIALLY apologise to Karyn Ang because i didn't reply her message on monday. kaarryyynnn! i'm so so sorry! hope i didn't destroy any of your plans for today! i always do this! sorry! yupp ok actually i don't have much to say! there hasn't been much happening in my life. it's just been studying studying then watching tv being a slob.. nothing much really. oh! yesterday i saw a little girl who could hypnotise lizards!!! yaaa so gross right??? she would pick up e lizard and then rub its tummy and then it would stay in whatever position she wanted it to be in. quite cool i must say but eternally yucky. yes, this is how uneventful my life's been :D i think this whole time of studying has really taught me alot of things though.. i think throughout it i was seriously relying on my strength and i just couldn't help it!!! i really own't be surprised if i don't do well.. even if i get retatined.. cause i panicked so much during e exams.. i just couldn't seem to find e peace to trust that i could rest in God. i never did it purely for Him. and that was a horrible reality i only realised later. i think it was all e competition in my class. you can't see it on e surface but everyone was taking count. i've been thinking.. is it a good thing i'm in a competitive class? since they do make me work harder although it's for e wrong reason? i think to some extent.. it's probably a good thing.. cause they do set a good benchmark.. but when it comes to e reason for trying my best.. trying to achieve 'competitive grades' it's all bad. i would constantly be thinking about how much work my classmates were doing and then do work out of worry that i might not do as well that i might not get to next year.. i basically studied in fear. which is why i was always so stressed! it's all so dumb. Looking from God's eyes.. all of it seems so so stupid. this girl trying to do it all on her own and stressing out so much over doing a few tests. tests to just see how much she knows up till now. and stressing out and rarely turning to her Creator, the source of all her strength, the only one deserving of doing it all for. stressing out so much over her future when everything's already in His hands. poor results or not, retained or not.. God's incharge of my future!! He's got it all planned out already.. a few tests just CAN'T change His amazing plan for my life!! why do i never realise all these things like before my exams??? :D mom let me continue my prayer meetings on mondays yesterday and i was just so so blessed by it! i realised i honestly missed God. I've been separating myself from God so much i just totally forgot what it felt like to pray for like an hour and just indulge in His calming presence. and i realised how important church was.. for me especially! i needed people i was held accountable to. i needed people to bring me back to God whenever i tried to run away. so i really need to keep my life in order so i can continue to keep my commitments in church.. i still can't comprehend how faithful God can be though! so so faithful! He was always with me throughout my exams..even when i refused to be with Him. He carried me through that time.. i never broke down, i never gave up.. and it's only cause of Him. He kept bringing friends to help me with this and that. There is really no one like You God! I just realised i used that exact phrase in my previous post! yea i tihnk Go'ds really been showing me His faithfulness this year. but i still can't comprehend it! ohh! i still haven't told ya'll about my tamil oral!!! ok it was ages ago i know! but you know how i SUCK at speaking in tamil.. yea but that day was amazing!!! i was just talking to myself about e topic that came out in e morning of e exam. i just couldn't thank God more! and i actually managed to 'talk' =) until the guy told me to stop!!! they onyl asked me one question!!! aaah. God is amazing, i don't know what i'd do without You my God! as a song goes.. What can i say? What could i do? But offer this heart oh God. Completely to You.

taxi

2007-07-01T23:49:00.001-07:00

hello everyone!!! they're officially OVER!!!! wooooooooohoooooooooooooo!!!! yea! feels soooo good! i feel better now than i did after my Os actually :D haha! well school's starting again tomorrow! seems so surreal! oh well.s it's back to studying again. sometimes i wish eating could be like studying. i mean you get breaks like june holidays and dec holidays to not study and relax.. and eventually at some point allt hese lectures and exams will end!!! wouldn't it be nice if we had little holidays when we could stop constrainng ourselvess and eat whatever we want and no gain weight??? NICE. yes i'm a pig. fine! anw i have two things to update on!! 1 was my eventful taxi ride to e band concert!! hahaha! it was e craziest thing. on e 20th i was supposed to go for this band concert at vch right but SURPRISINGLY enough i totally forgot! :D and so i ended up having to take a cab from e jurong east library. and well i only had like 9 bucks so i took 4 bucks from Prabs assuming 13'd be enough... yea you can guess e end but e thing is while i was in e taxi i was so sure that there was enough so i was comfotably sitting there hoping to get there quickly.. so we're around queenstown and i look at e meter -10.00 and i thought ok maybe might make it.. then i looked closer and i see a little 2dollar surcharge at e corner. NICE i thought. and THEN i started getting really scared cause i've never been in tt kinda situation before without somone waiting for me at my destination stocked with cash :D so i start praying and i just KNEW this was a test of faith. i kept praying that i would have enough money cause my God is a God over the impossible right ? :D and then through all this worrying and prayer God reminded me of how when Jesus fed the 5000 with those 5 loaves and 2 fish there were left over! and i thought maybe God meant i would have more than needed for the ride! that whole taxi ride was quite an experience.. having all those thoughts of reality hitting me while i knew God wasn't contrained by anything and that He could do anything! gosh. i'm so serious when i say when i checked my wallet i exactly only had 13.80 in it!! i'm SO serious. and the when is aw e meter hit 13.50 i started telling e uncle that i couldn't pay definitely and could he drop me off at an mrt station? i felt like God had let me down. anyway this driver couldn't seem to understand me so he kept driving beyond e 13.80 mark and check my wallet agina.. who knows why! and AMZINGLY i found a 1.40 more!!! can you believe it! i thought i was gonna faint! but well it still wasn't enough in e end. but e unclke insisted he got me there and when i got here i apologised profusely and emptied my wallet into his hands. and then he refused to take it from me!!! he kept tyring to shove $2 back into my hands cause he said i should have some money with me to go home!!! SO SWEET RIGHT????? i mean i owed him quite alot of money at e end (but i don't know how much cause that sweet man switched off his meter half way!:)) and then i just kept thinking about all that happened and i could see so clearly what God was telling me (and all e more clearly now) Basically God was telling me never to lose faith in Him and never to lose hope even when what i ask for doesn't happen! cause God knows best! but to just trust that God will save me in ANY situation! but it's up to Him how He does that. you know when i saw those extra coins in my wallet it was like God telling me He could do that if He wanted to.. and Him bringing that memory of that story COULD have been because i'd have money left over, but that's not how He planned the end! although He had the power to do it, He didn't, cause He is God and He knows best and He had sometinhg else planned! yea! God is amazing! all this is making me think i had better write in thanking that taxi driver soon! i'm sure it's part of God's plan! maybe that's why it had to end like that! either way! God's always in control and i thank You my Lord and my God!there's no one like You! i think this post is a tad too long! i shall post abt my tamil oral next time then! toodles! :D

baliiiii!

2007-06-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! i'm back! alas! haha! sorry about missing e last one peeps!! i just totally forgot. anyway lots has happened and i'm not so sure what to start with first!!! FIRSTLY, i just wanna thank EVERYONE who came for e choir concert!! my fams and friends THANK YOU! it did mean alot to me. just after all those practice sessions to try and bless ya'll with our music was.. fulfilling :D anyway, ka jenny's BACK!!!! woohooo!everything kinda changes around here when she's back (whether you notice it or not ka jenny) really! it's like a part of us comes back, and we're.. one again! hehe. oh wells! love you lots lots lots ka jenny!!! we just came back from bali!! so i'm alot more energy to post now! hehe. bali was amazing! well, the villa was anyway! we were totally pampered (thanks mommy!!) and relaxed.. something i hadn't felt in a looong while :D so i decided i would type about 10 things i learnt in bali (don't ask why i'm in a queer mood) : 1. bali's expensive man! 2.no one can quite make tomato sambal like mom does! :) 3. i CANNOT get pampered without feeling extremely guilty 4. i need to spend more alone time with God!!! 5. bali has the cutest children on the face of this earth 6. there's no place like home (singapore :D) 7. i still wanna become a farmer (it's now more appealing than ever!) 8. the bali-lizards are different from singapore-lizards! :D oh oh!! yes i saw some of the weirdest insects!! AND AND AND at one point, i was either sitting on/beside a HUGE cockroach. it was seriously huge! actually.. it was more like.. long. ughughugh. 9. watching a movie with your family is a must during any holiday! 10. and of course bali's rich heritage and art work and all that :p and that's about it!!! oh ya! and that my family's weirder than i thought! but then again who am i to speak :) i've beenr eading this book which i got for x-mas. what's so amazing about grace and it's really given me a while new perspective on things. about guilt, about forgiveness and grace. i think most of all these holidays i made a commitment to live my life with more grace and LOVE. doing my quiet time in bali many verses just jumped out at me and God's just been leading me in e way i should be going in school esp.people i should be loving more, things i should be doing less. i've been reading the old testament for my wuiet time and i've always thought there wasn't much for me to learn from it but boy was i wrong! i realised it was about reading and then thinking about how God wanted me to use that piece of scripture in my life now in my context. one verse that really stood out for me was from Deuteronomy 5: So be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left. Walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess - Deuteronomy 5:32-33 Well God was speaking to Moses and instructing him on how to lead the Israelites but i know He was speaking to me too. that verse reminded me of the famous verse in Hebrews - let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles , and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. i can't be turning left or right wanting to indulge in this or that sin, wanting to plan my own life and try to lead it another way that's not of God. i gotta keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and go in e path He's planned for me. and i gotta keep praying and lettin God lead me int hat way, i think i've gotten way off track. trying to control my life by myslef. i just gotta let go and let God! it's the only way :D and i have a horrible feleing that UNFORTUNATELY enough, God's plan ISN'T for me to become a farmer. although it still is my dream.. to work on the paddi fields.. and mainly not study.. ahhh.. oh wells. i gotta study now. acuse there's no land in singapore anyway. and i can then probably only go into hydroponics and i've totally gone out of point already. okaysss. love you all! but i have to return to my work! :) toodles!

oh the 20th!

2007-04-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

hellooooooo!!! yea! i made it in time! :) wow. what on earth do i say about the last month?? it was.. hectic? busy? mad? all of e above. i didn't even feel it go past. mostly it's been cause of.. you guessed it! choir! and school and haaaiii. i really can't express it all. i miss the first three months TERRIBLY. i felt like i could fit it all in.. the work, the quiet time, the commetments, the choir practices at home and STILL have time to have fun. and now i'm no where near being up to date with my studying however much i try to convince myself i am and choir's becoming like my life. but e worst of all is that i haven't had TIME for God. now just saying it sounds ridiculous. no time for God. which just proves i'm putting alot of other things before Him.. which shouldn't be the case. at all!! shouldn't i be putting God first? MAKING time for Him? making my quiet time talking to Him my priority? but the world's telling me to put my studies first (and my choir teachers otherwise :)) i don't know what to do.. i'm lost in my own thoughts. i'm confused. i really really miss that relationship i had with God just a year and a half ago. when i first experienced Him, surrendered my life to Him. and slowly, i've just been taking more and more control of my life (or at least trying to) and slowly i've been trying to live to do good works, to be perfect to plan out my life myself! but it's impossible. i can't be perfect, ever. and i SURELY can't do this on my own. i don't have the strength or the peace. but it's so hard to let God take control. my pride's taking control.. i wanna fix my life myself. i've been trying and trying to be sinless and perfect but time and again i fail and i know this isn't what life's about. not that their not necessary but i know that however 'good' a person i try to become.. it's never gonna satisfy me or complete me. i'm never gonna have the strength to sustain it. am i making any sense at all? i need to stop living, trying to attain God's love and sense of completion by trying to 'please' Him with good works. He doesn't need that! He died on that cross for me, He's already living in me, it's my turn to let go and just be comfortable resting in God's mighty hand. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". that's what it's all about. leaving my burdens with God,letting Him guide me instead of my stressing over every small thing. getting my priorities right is still a hard thing to do though. putting God as my aim in everything I do. so many unsettled things in my heart so many things i wanna clear up with God. but i always know that even when i'm am doubtful and unfaithful, God's faithfulness and love for me is constant and never changing. i can hope and rest in that always.

nobody reads this anyway!

2007-03-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

hiiiiiiii! since everyone is just DYING to read one of my posts i've decided.. to post :D. ohhh i don't know what to say. these past few weeks have been kinda.. surreal. choir has offdicially taken over my life.. i'm still not a fan of leading cell.. my class has expanded so i have to make friends AGAIN..and i'm feeling even MORE inadequate at choir recently. i don't know.. i really have nothing much else to say peeps. i'm just trying to get back on track with God. i feel like i'm starting to set my eyes on other things. God keeps reminding me that i have to run this race for Him, with my eyes fixed on Him. for His glory, and cause it's e best way to live life, completely focused on what He'd want me to do in every situation and just completely dependant on Him cause i'm gonna end up no where relying on my own strength. i really thank God for last week's cell (bible study group) session though. e last time i lead cell i finished in like 15mins and i was running through all e material and just saying out everything i'd written down. and so last week i met up with my cell leaders and Amaria talked about God speaking through me, and i just being His mouthbox. and it felt so so impossible. i felt like i was in no poistion to discern God's voice at that point but i just prayed in faith that i would and He delivered of course :D. i could feel God putting ideas and answers in my head that were not down on my paper and just leading the group into discussion during cell least week. i get it now. it's NOT about me. it's about God, speaking to us and teaching us. it's been hard devoting time to God everyday esp since choir started but i know now that choir is NOT WORTH that. i have to make time for my God, cause in e end, when i'm standing before Him on judgement day neither choir nor school nor results are gonna matter.. it's about whether or not i live my life as an offering to my King. I've actually been quite sad about my O-level results. i guess i didn't expect it. but now i remmber while studying, how much i had to keep my mind off doing it to do well, and keep it on doing my best for my God and leaving e rest to Him. how can i just forget all that now? you know what, God gave me e best results possible i thank Him! cause those results were humbling! during my prelims GOd showed me just how much He was in control of my marks (cause i honestly thought i was gonna get like 20 points) and again He's shown me that. He didn't let any pride seep in, esp when i THOUGHT i was gonna do well. God is so so good. so i've really gotta keep my priorities straight and give God e time He deserves. He didn't die on the cross for nothing. He died to cleanse me of sin and to form a relationship with me and lead me into eternal life. how can i turn away from a God that wants to sit by my side and talk to me and teach me in ways i can't even understand? You gave your life for me so i will live my life for You.

2007-02-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

hey ya'll!!!! (sorry can't do it as well as sindhuja :D) wow it feels so good to just be able to sit here and blog. my weeks have been so so so tiring. it's mostly because of choir. i mean it's fun, but it's so so so much practice and training!!!!! i feel quite inadequate in choir alot of e time. i mean to have all these perfect-pitched, sight-singing genius, confident friends for choir mates is super terrifying. i'm not quite sure i'm cut out for AC choir after all. but i'm just gonna continue anyway.. who knows, i might learn something out of it all eventually. i think what i really need to do now is to stop caring about what e people around me think and just try and improve myself. unfortunately that's not e easiest thing for self-conscious me to do :p. i just realised how long i haven't posted for! haha! well i'm in a new class now and i feel so so blessed cause they're really really nice people who finish their homework!!!! wooohooo! yah AC has been a good refreshing start to the year and i'm glad i'm here, however tiring it is. prabs came to AC!!!! haha! so now we've been to each other's schools! and i think one thing i felt (prabs probably did too) is that both our schools are just so suited for each other and it wouldn't have made much sense if either of us was in the other's school. we don't need each other as much as we did in crescent eh?? i think God's just been so good to us. to give us e same psle agg and everything! i personally really needed prabs with me after fairfield in crescent, to keep me on track and bring me back to my senses! :D and His timing for us to take our different paths has just been so good, e transition from 2S2 to our different classes and then eventually to different schools. thank God for prabs!!! thank God for sindhuja and sarah!!! i really needed them in sec3 and 4, we were such a posse/clique however much we tried to deny it and socialise :) you guys were such wonderful company, people i knew i could always stick with and that would stick with me. God's blessed me with friends that are so like me!! and so so LOYAL. thank you guys :) i think i'm really prone to complaining about my present circumstances and i forget how wonderfully amazing my life has been.sindhuja! i love hearing about your texas life!!(esp cause mine's nowhere as exciting:) [see how i complain!!]) you know WHAT?? you should start writing a journal/book about your life there. how it's different from asian life, their morals or practices or fitting in or e assumptions we have about western living that are totally wrong and all that!! seriously. and make your own personal book! hehe. well i've gotta go and practice my choir songs. promise i'll try my best to post as often as possible! love you all lots lots lots friends and family!! (p.s. shaks if you're reading this, thanks for e super organic chocolate and fun filled weekend :D love you much!)

heya!!

2007-01-20T04:19:00.000-08:00

hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! wow it's been a loooong time since i've blogged!! rocking out with Brian Littrell now! best cd we ever got ka jenny! thanks!!!! so a new year's begun again and so many things have changed.. friends, school, teachers, classes, cca.. but i think it's been relatively good lah. i mean there's lots that i don't like about AC and about starting anew again, but i know it can only make me grow up, so yes, it's been good. let me start with my main New Year's resolution. yes, it took me this long to figure it out but i've finally decided. This year, i want to be thankful and thus joyful ALWAYS, in every circumstance. it sounds quite impossible at this point but.. "the joy of the Lord is my strength"! i know it's gonna be a tough year, but i think this is God's aim for me as well. so.. about AC. orientaion was actually quite tough on me. the first few days, it was quite hard making friends, but i kinda expected it cause i've never been very good at making friends.. everyone in my og is kind of from different worlds so we all had to get through quite a few awkward silences but through it all God has been so good! on Friday (3rd day of school) i joined the Christian Fellowship (it's a cca!) for morning prayer and we all prayed for the OGs and for bonding and stuff and Friday was so so much better! made more friends so the Saturday campfire was really fun! never knew how much having friends could make my day. got quite nicely dirty and muddy during the games, but being the nerd i unfortunately am i really couldn't wait for the lectures and classes! hehe. so after a whole lot of deliberation i'm taking H2 math,chem,econs, KI H1 physics. i know, i'm crazy right? :D i just wanted to try everything out before i make my decision in 2 months.. one thing that's really quite disgusting in AC though is that everyone, esp e guys are REALLY vulgar. it's like nothing to them.. so it's been quite trying having to keep filtering all e bad stuff out. like on e first class table i ever sat at, a swear word was carved on it and beside it was the reflection of the same word. nice. i just got my class on wednesday.. and GUESS WHO'S IN MY CLASS???? KARYN!!!!!! i know!! partners forever. :D GUESS WHO ELSE???? CLARE!!!!! yea.. i'm super blessed! there's also this guy Abraham from my church who's in my class too so as i said before.. God's been so so good. i got into AC choir! and i know it's gonna be tough but i can't wait for e first practice! it's gonna be real soon! i'm really sorry if this entry has been a bit.. um.. weird.. cause i was really sick this morning and i accidentally took my mom's really really powerful expensive medicine including mine.. (it was in e same bag!!:)) so i'm still suffering from the side-effects although my sickness has really decreased. just feeling so heavy, lethargic and a little dizzy. so anyway.. time to start making friends all over again cause i've got about 21 people in my class i still don't know. i'm just so so tired.. not like sleepy tired though. i've just had so many things to do this week. so many sacrifices i've had to make, so many decisions, so much confusion as to what God wants me to do. and now this sickness.. i'm exhausted. 3 things i think God's been speaking to me about though. 1. He will guide me through everything, i don't need to worry 2. keep smiling, keep being thankful 3.He will give me rest, just keep trusting in His unsurpassing peace. so not much has happened at school yet.. and when it gets more interesting i promise to post some more.. i'm gonna try and put up two or three songs (by Brian of course!) that are really close to my heart so go check em out people! (if i ever manage to get em up :)) FRIENDS, i love you all so so so much!!! i WILL see you guys soon! ummmmuah!

2006-12-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

wow so much has happened since my last post.. where on earth do i start? well firstly to my dear Sindhuja.. HIIII!!! i bet you're having e time of your life in Texas! I think it still hasn't really sunk in for me that you're gone that i'll probably never see you again. actually.. i'll probably never see most of my close friends again.. i mean we're all gonna be trying so hard to make new ones. well anyway.. let me start off with my Laos trip. you know surprisingly.. i think it was more amazing after it finished. i think probably the best thing i took out of it was just the prayerful attitude of everyone.. and becoming more aware of spiritual attacks..weather sickness or oppression/depression. i mean it was wonderful (sometimes really really tiring) being with the kids but i think just being with God in that land which He loves was even more wonderful. I kept feeling in that country that whatever foreign Gods the people served God still thought the people were beautiful, and they were precious to Him. mommy really found her calling in Laos, to teach.and i think it seriously came at the most appropriate time in her life and i honestly thank God for that. we had devotions in the morning and debrief at night and during both of which we prayed and we even had prayer walks during the day! and i realised i really don't pray enough!!! i mean i have all the freedom in the World to pray.. on the bus while i'm walking all i have to do is talk to God in my heart and surely that is a channel to God that i haven't been using and has gone a bit rusty. lead a prayerful life.. now i get it. talk to God whenever you can and more importantly listen to what He has to tell you. that's gonna be one of my resolutions next year.. to get to know my God better and use this freedom He's given me through His death!! this present of prayer! singing with the church choir was really fun too! and one thing i realised was that being with a community of christians really helped me to stay focussed on God! My baptism was really really interesting.. i mean everyone kept saying i'm so excited for you before i got baptised but honestly i was all that excited about it.. i was more excited about singing in e choir to tell you the truth.. i don't know.. i guess cause i kinda felt like I'd already been baptised, like i'm already a Christian.. this thing was just to let everyone else know.. if you know what i mean.. cause in the days of the New testament.. people got baptised the minute they accepted Christ. But during the actual baptism it was so different.. especially when i took off all those soggy black clothes and put on my fresh white clothes it seriously felt like i was tearing off my old self and becoming new in Christ. i felt finally ready to fight anything that Satan might bring my way with my belt of truth, my helmet of faith and the sword of the Spirit. i felt new nad i thank God so much for using something i thought was useless to change me. thank you God. but isn't that what He always does? He takes prostitutes (Rahab--i think that's her name :)), liars/cheaters (Jacob), blasphemers (Saul) and transforms them and uses them in mighty ways. God is so amazing.. that a holy God would love change and USE imperfection. wow God of all grace and love You're awesome!! well i better continue in another post some other time cause this has gotten quite lengthy and i better leave. toodaloos bloggie!

Youth camp

2006-12-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

hey hey! yea i know it's been a looooooooooooong time since i last blogged. and i have so much to say! where shall i start... youth camp!! i must admit i didn't like it much on the first day cause i didn't know a single person in my group but once we started playing all e weird games it didn't really matter much anymore. the night sessions/sermons were amazing. This guy named Gary (not sure if he's a pastor) spoke two nights and he's hilarious.. it was alot about boy-girl relationships and he really helped me keep it in persepective, to keep it God-centred. one thing that really hit me during his sermons was e fact that i didn't really have a constant mentor i could ask questions to and share problems with at church.. so maybe i should get one hehe. but i think e best parts of e whole camp were just my quiet times with God. God broke alot of bondages during that camp and brought me that one step closer to Him. Thank You so much God. one thing He taught me is that He's always in control.. all He calls us to do when we face a problem is pray and perservere with faith that He'll take away that burden and He did! He spoke to me through Psalm 42 : "Why are you so downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God".-- that line especially. i'd been feeling really apart from God for a long time now and God reminded me to continue to have faith and hope in Him and to always be joyful, prayerful, thankful and to always priase God whatever the circumstances. it all ended off with the baptism retreat which was a really good closure for it all. It was basically prayer for the filling of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and as Sarah prayed for me i couldn't help but cry my heart out as His spirit convicted me of God's love. that He could love me despite my many willingly done sins that He remained faithful throughout my unfaithfulness. that He loved my whole being with a constant unconditional love despite my love for Him depending on my mood. This amazing God i will forever praise.

i hate titling my entries

2006-11-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

hihihihi! so.. grad night was SOOOOOOO boring. it was probably cause of the seats we got.. but anyway i'm glad i got to take lots of pics. i think sarah's beach party yesterday was still way more fun though. her parents are so sweet and i don't care what you say sarah they ARE!!!! wellwell. i don't know what to DO. i mean there's nothing to do!!!!! somebody give me something to do! i'm so extremely bored.. at least there's musical evening tonight. you know for some reason.. i thought after my exams.. getting in tume with God again would be easy. but it's SO HARD. i hate it. i guess throughout my exams i was working for God so i always kept Him my centre.. but now.. so many other things are clouding my mind and i can't seem to keep my eyes fixed on Him. i think i've degressed a little too far in my relationship with God and this just can't go on!!!! I was reading this note i wrote to God.. i think about a year and a half ago and in e note all i did was just thank God for everything He's done for me.. from the time i started going to Church (like when i was 11) all e way up to that time when i'd just become a Christian. i mean out of the blue i just decided to do that? why? cause i loved God and i was grateful. where is that love i once had?? why is it so hard to love God even when i know how much He loves me. We sang this song in Church and it started "jesus, lover of my soul". I mean THAT'S God's love for me. He loves my SOUL. He loves my entire being, my heart, my mind, however imperfect, unconditionally. yet, it's hard for me to completely love God. it's not that i dislike Him, to any extent.. it's just that i'm still longing for human love and i know it! I want a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, but God's love is so beyond that. I've started loving people more, which is a good thing.. but not when that love exceeds your love for God. when i start wanting human affection and attention rather than God's. human love can only ever bring so much joy, only God's love satisfies. There he goes again. satan, using something good against me. it's like C.S. Lewis said (yea thanks for lending me that book ka!) satan likes to use good things to cause us to sin. like when we do something good, like resist temptation, he invokes pride in us, so that we sin because of our pride of our good deeds. so now satan's trying to se this growing love for people against me by taking my attention away from God! satan's quite smart ah? but nothing God can't handle! "Love your God with all your heart, mind and soul". I guess i just have to keep fighting through this, to keep God NO.1 in my heart! by spending time with Him, drawing strength from Him. thank You God for being so real in my life.

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

2006-11-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

So i'm back (from outer spa-ace i just walked in to find you here- ok i'll stop.:) It's been a weird few days. I always start like that! But it's so true! My Os ended!!!!! yay? i don't know.. i'm not as happy as i expected to be. the adrenalin's stopped pumping, so i guess life isn't exactly as exciting anymore. thankfully i've actually got some stuff to do these hols unlike last time when i'd just be lazing around and then cramming all my homework in the last few days of December. I really hope i get into this christmas choir thing!!! it sounds really fun. plus i miss singing in a choir, and how else better but by praising God! that was one big problem i had with singing in a school choir.. there didn't seem to be much purpose to it. especially during concerts, when i'd have to train so hard at home and at school for that one concert.. it was hard to do it for God, to sing for God. don't know why. guess it was kinda a different world altogether. i can't say my relationship with God is MUCH better than it was in my last post. But it's improving. All God wanted me to do is dedicate proper time to Him everyday. i mean i did do my quiet time, but i never really listened to God.. i just went about doing my own thing i guess. yea i know i don't really make sense anymore. hehe. well anyway now that i've got all the time in the world i'm gonna make sure i spend most of it with God.. LISTENING. He has things to tell me, alot of which i don't think i wanna hear but i know i have to. C.S Lewis (again) put it so so aptly.. he talks about "an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slum when he could have a holiday at sea". I've been trying to satisfy my needs with alot of earthly things, and it's now time to get back in alignment with God, cause only He can give me any true and lasting satisfaction. There's alot of things in my life that i'm doing wrong, alot of oppurtunities i'm not taking hold of and that's got to change. I really need to take hold of this time that i have to spend with God cause when school starts again, i know that time's gonna shorten more and more.. i really hope it doesn't though. I really thank God that He's so faithful especially when i'm not. He just waits for me to come back to Him, when He could just abandon me when i abandon Him. Redeemer and Friend. What a great description of God! i'll end off here before anyone reading this falls asleep :D. toodaloos!

2006-11-13T04:02:00.000-08:00

heyyyyyyyyyyy! it's been such a tiring few weeks. not just cause of e exams.. just cause i've been having to battle with so many temptations and i felt alot of the time like they won. the thing is.. thoughts are something i can only control to a certain extent.. which is why it's been so hard for me to overcome temptation and thoughts i know are not of God. i feel like these exams, these sins are taking me further and further away from God and i just SO BADLY wanna go back closer to Him. so many things at Youth distract me from God, i can't even worship Him properly now. i just wanna hinger for God and be as close to Him as i was when i first got to know Him last year. When there was nothing BUT Him in my life. Now there are so many distractions. SO many attachments (like to my studies) i just can't seem to completely surrender to Him everything. I got this verse from God the other day.. from Psalms.. "I trusted in Him, and I was helped". it's such a small line but that's exactly what God wants me to do. to completely trust in Him and know He's over all my problems but why is it SO HARD??? I just really miss God. does that make any sense? Although He's right beside me i've just been seperating myself from Him, with all my worldly desires and now i really really miss Him. But i know what i have to do. I'm just not really keen on doing it. I've been prizing worldly happiness over holiness, my way of living's all wrong. that seriously needs to change. TODAY.

'tis me again!

2006-10-23T02:04:00.000-07:00

hiiiiiii vance again! :) it's monday! just came back from school and i'm blogging while e waterh eats up up up! haven't been able to update cause of all e studying i've had to do. in fact it's really been quite stressful, and i haven't been this joyous all last week. i don't know.. i got mad at myself alot for not doing enough work, i just got very sick of life and of work. i've been battling with new found sins in my life as well so it's just been quite hectic and honestly, way tiring. i think what made it all worse was that i was mad at myself, condemning myself even when i knew God Himself wasn't. But i learnt some really valuable lessons through all that and i really thank God for it. i mean they're simple stuff, but i guess i just get so caught up in everything i tend to forget alot. i realised that when God calls us to be perfect, He doesn't expect us to be, He just expects us to always be striving toward it, to put my best into trying to be perfect. cause fact is, none of us can ever be perfect, we will always have sin in our lives, only God is. and i think alot of the time, i forgot that. i forgot how very human i am, and every day i just got more and more depressed that i wasn't getting anywhere near perfect with all my slacking and pride and i just forgot the basic truth of Christianity itself! Jesus died for our sins, He cleansed me of my sin!! He took e punishment for my sin that God's wrath was displayed on Him rather than me. God doesn't condemn me. He knows i can never be perfect or He wouldn't have died on that cross at all. I don't think He wants me to be depressed about the fact that i can never attain perfection, He knows that, I think He'd rather me rejoice in the fact that even when i do sin and stray from perfection, i've been forgiven of that very sin a long long time ago so.. WOOHOO! :D oh and thank You God for not letting it rain before i got home! while i was walking home, this song kept ringing in my head and it really comforted me. it just reminded me how much God is in control of every situation every single tiny problem that happens in my life and just how i can always depend on Him and hope in Him through every little thing, cause HE IS GOD. The Creator God! Who compares to Him? My security lies in You alone! :D

God, is bigger than the air I breathe
the World we'll leave
and God, will save the day,
and all will say,
my Glorious!!

2006-10-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just so in shock and joy and awe and.. and.. i just can't express it in words!!!!!!!!! so amazing! God is SO amazing!! i got my results today! and HONESTLY, i was expecting to do REALLY badly, especially for my SS and Lit and english and tamil and everything else la! cause i really messed up my papers and i just went to school today expecting the WORSE. actually, the worse wasn't really the worst, it was more like reality. but God didn't let it happen and i feel SO undeserving!!! i really don't deserve any of those marks! and now i can fully understand what my sis means when she constantly says "it was all God!" i honestly couldn't understand it, but now i do!! it's like God marked my paper and gave me all those marks i don't deserve. but i tihnk He's telling me now that i have to stop focusing on the marks. i mean, to continue thanking and praising Him for them and rejoicing in them but to never lose focus of what is most important. I have to keep working hard, and not just during my exams, cause i know that's what He wants me to do. to always be putting in my best and using the abilities He's given me and to glorify His name cause He alone is worthy of all praise! Thank you God! sooo much! i was actually hoping for bad marks before this cause i was hoping it'd be a way of lessening my pride, but for some reason, this whole experience has brought me to a certain level of humility, cause God really showed me that i can't do anything, ANYTHING on my own and He's shown me once again His great power and mercy and goodness! it's just so amazing that God's love for disgusting sinful me is so great that i can't even imagine it, that the Heavens can't hold it!! I thank You so much God that You let me get to know You.

2006-09-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

hi!! it's been forever since i blogged i know. my prelims were really bad.. i mean the papers were terribly difficult and i made the stupidest mistajes and got caught in the worst ever situations. long story. but basically, i think God was trying to teach me a big lesson that's still hard for me to learn. it's not about the marks. it's about doing my best.. i mean HOW many times have blogged about this right? but i guess i really needed a few experiences to get it right in my head. i mean, i'm still working toward the exams.. OBVIOUSLY, cause if i weren't i wouldn't be studing so much just now when my exams are approaching, i'd be studying just as hard all year round if my aim werejust to always do my best for God right? so i guess exams still have a certain hold on me that i need God's help to break down. God REALLY helped me throughout my tamil exam. i mean i don't usually ask God for answers, just clarity of mind.. but during my tamil exam i oculdn't remember quite a few words that i'd learnt for the compo and i would pray and it would ocme zooming back into my mind a few seconds later. God is sooo good! and the title that came out was EXACTLY what we'd been preparing!!! me and my dad that is. God you Rock! (can be taken literally as well if you know what i mean:)) and also i think i was alot trying to do it all for God, i forgot to do it WITH Him. i forgot to draw strength from God and tried to depend on my own strength (which is really nothing) and ended up really stressed out in the end. so dumb!! anyway.. e studying starts all over again! it's been a hard time of testing and recognising sins that i never realised before that i had like envy and pride. alot of which comes from a lack of security i should think, but God's been helping me so much, and growing me so much through all those problems however much i despised them when i was having them. it's still very hard to humble myself.. but i have e greatest role model by my side and i know He'll help me get through this. I mean if Him coming down to earth, suffering earthly pain on the cross for our sake isn't humility i don't know what is.. it just feels like a very unachievable task right now.. ah well. i'm gonna go for a run now! after a LONG LONG time. see ya!

2006-09-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

hi! i can't make this very long, so i'll try to summarise everything that's been happening. I'm still struggling quite badly with my pride, but God's been bringing alot of people to talk to me and explain things out to me which is great! Pastor Joshua has really been such a blessing. Every one of his sermons are just so applicable to my life then that i just wanna thank God so much for bringing him here! I've been experiencing so much of God's mercy it's unbelievable. i've succumb to alot of temptation this past week and it's just been so hard for me to live with myself, and i sometimes wish God would just punish me like with some huge rod :D. But that's just what's so amazing about God. God IS love. God IS mercy. mercy and love that's just SO unconceivable to me!!! i can't even imagine it! the universe couldn't hold God's love for me! Thank you God! God's given me a goal to work towards now, He gave me this verse from Hebrews about fixing my eyes on Christ through everything i do! and about going on the path marked out for me by God. that's my aim now, and hopefully always. My spiritual journey is really hard to put in words here but i've tried my best. BASICALLY, God's just shown me such mercy, grace and love and the skies couldn't contain my thank yous! and Prabs!! if you're reading this, i just wanna say you've got such a wonderful heart for appreciating nature and the stars at night and you take notice of things that seem so small to others (like e cutting down of that tree!) and how you're so fascinated with the brain and everything! your appreciation for everything around you really inspires me! and i think that just makes you so specially you :D. so my life's been going great! got prelims around the corner so gotta be doing alot of work! But i just want to praise and thank God that whatever mistakes i might make on the way, in my studies, in my life, His plan for me never changes!! and that I can always trust and hope in Him. thank you!!!

hello!

2006-08-26T04:23:00.000-07:00

hihi! yes i'm back.. after a seriously looong time :D it's exam time again so i just haven't been able to find the time plus i won't be able to type much so here goes! (i'm so weird:)) it's been kind of a mixed few weeks for me. Ka jenny! i wanted to call and tell you and ask for advice but i'm never able to reach you when i call for some reason.. so i'll say it here ya? right before you left, you were battling with pride and i now.. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. well ever since you left i've realised how much pride I had in my life. oh my gosh i'm so proud!!! and about the stupidest things too! i mean it was much worse a few weeks ago, but God's been helping me handle it. i've just come to realise that i'm constantly judging people around me, trying to make myself superior in some way. i'm always trying to find something wrong with people who seem perfect, just so i feel better about myself. i'm even proud of my spiriual relationship with God being "closer" than certain other people!!! which is like the WORST thing to be proud of cause you can NEVER judge someone's spiritual walk with God however well you know them.. cause that's between them and God. YET, i get proud. and there's oh so many more things and the thing is, this isn't a sin that you can abstain from doing very easily.. i mean lying and cheating, you can restrain yourself, but unconsciously making judgements in my mind, secretly feeling proud that you got higher marks than someone else.. it's so hard to restrain.. it just comes! you know what God brought to my mind? Pride is the root of all evil. and it's so true!!! like in Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis writes about how it was pride, that made Lucifer want to be superior to God- and out comes Satan. and i'm really glad that God gave me that book to read before I realised all this sin in my life. He wrote how it is pride that causes greed, jealousy and so many other sins.. but God has really been helping me through all this. He reminded me of that verse my sis mom and i read when we doing Quiet Time together.. in Timothy Chapter one i think.. "This is a saying that deserves full acceptance- Christ died for sinners, of whom I am the worst". IT's really quite amazing.. that Paul, the wisest person i've ever heard of could have such humility as to adopt an "i am the worst of all sinners attitude". oooh! revelation! :D i think what he's trying to say is that we all need to adopt a mind of total servitude. i mean if i was e worst of all sinners, would i not feel inferior to everyone else all e time. so i'm thinking he probably means that we should take up an attitude of servanthood to everyone we meet. to be a servant to my friends, to my parents.. i mean not so much that i get used and stepped on..but just to always have the mindset that i am here to serve to be lower than the people around me. does that make sense? whatever it is.. all i know is i'm actually PROUD that i can admit i'm proud. the pride never ends! well no sins ever ends until Christ comes again! so till then i'll just keep praying! God has been really good to me throughout my exams.. He's always been here when i've needed Him. He's been giving me so much strength and clarity of mind and focus and hope and rest and the list goes on and on and on. God ROCKS! seriously. i tihnk i should end of with a little miracle that happened this morning ("we can't stop speaking about what we've seen and heard!"-can't remember which book in the Bible but i think Paul said it:)) so i was supposed to wake up at 5:30 cause i slept really early.. ubt i tihnk i dind't press my snooze button properly.. and by the time i woke up it was almost 7! so i almost started panicking cause i had missed out on a good 1 1/2 hours of studying but then i started getting all my messages, and last of all came from ka jenny!!! and she was saying how she hopes i'm getting enough rest and stuff, and i KNOW that God was trying to tell me.. relax. it's okay! you needed the rest.. just put your studies in My hands and trust in Me! and the super cool thing is.. my sister sent the message at 1pm yesterday morning, but i received the message EXACTLY at the time i woke up cause it came about a minute after e first few messages which were sent e night before! SO COOL right? God is such a cool God!

oh sweet chicken!

2006-07-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

hellooos! it's been quite a weird week. nothing much actually happened, but yet alot did. i mean school was boring. we had tests.. most of which i'm sure i didn't do well for. i've been practising piano like crazy cause i've got an exam next week thursday and i'm not one bit prepared. hehe. but i'm just trusting God with it now. it was real hard for me to do that at first cause it became all about the exam.. esp when ms ong started panicking and things.. ya but yesterday i thought about it, and decided like anything else.. i'm gonna do this for God and someday He'll use this skill for His glory i'm sure. so right now.. i'm just gonna do my best and let God take care of the rest. it's gonna be real hard work next week handling e work and piano. oh shishkebab. i realised something.. i can always grasp the idea of doing it FOR God but not so much e idea of doing it WITH God.. relying on His strength. and it sometimes comes to a point that i think all my achievements are all by my own strength and i totally leave God out of the picture, when it's only by God's grace that i'm achieving any of it. "in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"-- and ya, that song always comes to mind. is it just me or is my writing all formal-ish today? it feels like it. oh well. maybe i'm just having a formal day. don't ask what that means. so anyway.. e weird thing is.. God has been putting this passion for tamil in my heart. yes you heard it right.. TAMIL. i mean a few months back i was detesting it, hoping i could not do e exam in may, and here i am.. wanting to do e next one in november so i can improve my tamil. i mean that HAS to be God stirring up that passion for tamil. and i'm not sure why exactly..maybe it's leading up to a mission trip to India He wants me to go for.. or maybe it's service in the Tamil congregation.. who knows. whatever it is i'm gonna stop trying to guess and just really try to get my tamil into shape.. maybe call atthai(my predominantly tamil-speaking aunt) and talk to her for a while everyday. that'd be interesting. (what's with e formal writing? must be doing too many letters+compos) plus i think i need to move out of the youth service for a while. i think the past few weeks i've been a bit too caught up with the great music and the great company that i've been losing my focus on God. i mean at some point, i used to wait so eagerly for Sunday so that i could really spend some quality time with God cause i'm always so rushed in the week, but now all i look forward to is meeting my friends and generally to have a good time. i know it's not wrong to have a good time. i mean the Bible says rejoice, sing, dance in church but it also says to do all that praising God. i've started losing my focus on God, and my enjoyment is no longer centred on God. ya and i really didn't know what to do so i prayed and God told me to try out other services, i think mainly the SES(saturday evening service) one and the tamil service. so i think maybe next next week i'll try out these 2 services. i would this week, but one of Shalini's cousins is coming to youth service this week (WOOHOO!) so since i'm one of e few people she knows i thought i should go help her feel welcomed and invite her to our cell group. (it's NOT a compo rubhinni!) really don't know what's wrong with me today. and next week we'll be off to JB so i won't be going to church. anyway i better go before i sign of as yours sincerely Rubhinni Durai or something :D haha! anyway i need to sleep. yes. NEED. good nap!

P.S if you were wondering about my title.. today i had this weird sandwich called the famous rosemary chicken at cedele.. and it was SWEET. ya.. they put cranberry sauce on the chicken. TELL me about it.

can you imagine? :D

2006-07-10T03:38:00.000-07:00

hi it's me again :D so it's been a few very weird weeks. I feel i'm closer to God than ever yet really far away. i've been really sad these past few days and i don't know why. i'm not sure if it's for someone else..but i don't thnk so. i have a feeling Satan's been doing this.. getting me really miserable.. to the extent that i don't want to ask God for help.. but He's been helping me anyway. Even when i am not faithful, He is. oh how many times i've experienced God's faithfulness to me. He's always there and i couldn't thank Him more for that. the aural was horrible. But i really think i deserved it. i didn't practise much or anything although i know i'm weak at tamil. i just prayed that God would give me the mark He felt i deserved and that He'd give me whatever was best for me and i've a feeling He did :D oh shishkebab. but the good thing is when i got home, i wasn't totally depressed or anything.. sad.. but not like horrified. i was doing it for God and i know i hadn't done my best to practise but God won't let this one slip-up change the course of my life and i can trust in Him nomatterwhat.. That's just what's so great about knowing God. There's just this complete sense of security. that whatever it is.. whatever may go wrong, God is still there. He's that rock that will never move from your side or stop helping or comforting or teaching you. He's the only one i can ever depend on..everything else will fade away. and right now i just feel so priviledged and so joyous that God picked me to get to know Him. no problem will ever be able to overcome me cause I've got God on my side. and that's just such a comforting truth. I sincerely cannot imagine a life without knowing God now that i do. what would i do when i get upset by someone or get afraid in the dark or afraid that an insect might come attack me any moment or stressed out during my exams or get confused with what to do with my life? What purpose would i have? now THAT would be confusing to handle. i guess i have quite taken God for granted, surely i would be nowhere if He hadn't let me get to know Him. i really can't imagine a life without Him, even if i try! He's every part of me. and i can't even start to express my gratitude.

hello again

2006-06-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

so i'm back. i'm kinda freaking out. i'm' straying and i know it but i refuse to talk to God about it and I know it's Satan not letting me do that.. is not doing QT straying? i'm not sure myself:D i don't understand what God wants to do with me now.. i mean i was.. no, i AM so ready to give up everything for Him but it's now that he wants me to concentrate on my studies? i mean.. what???? i guess that's His will for me.. doesn't sound too exciting. and i keep forgetting, everything i "can" do..It's not me.. it's Him. He's the one helping me to do well He's the one helping me NOT get through to NJ and if i do.. He'll be the one to help me get through as well. and my talent at playing e piano.. singing.. that's from Him too. It's all about you Jesus. It's all about You.

i don't know how to title this

2006-05-25T03:53:00.000-07:00

helloooss! i'm back once again. and so is ka jenny!!!i'm SO glad she's back!! it's just so special to have her around.. there's just no one like her:) i'm so glad you're home but i just wish you wouldn't sleep SO much. i just realised i haven't updated since my chem paper which was SOO long ago so here i go. well the week after my exams we had three days of prayer meetings.. if you can call it that. it was truly wonderful. i guess i've never really been that close to God during prayer than then. and i can guess why. my exams were over so i wasn't distracted by the work i had at home or something.. i made sure i wasn't affected by the people around me or judging them.. i made sure it was just me and God and for sincerely the first time.. i understood what it meant for God to speak to me when i'm praying. i mean to me all my life prayer has just been me asking God for things.. thanking Him for things.. but i never asked Him what's on HIS heart. sometimes i would try to listen to His voice.. but i'd either end up listening to my own voice in my head or nodding off to sleep :), bored of waiting. but now i understand. i can't expect God to just start talking to me while i sit there with my eyes closed waiting for something, anything! i've found that when i ask God, He answers. Like i asked Him what He wanted me to do in school, and He said to pray every morning with Karyn.. and I asked what He wanted me to do at home.. and He said to form a closer bond with my dad. and i mean of course alot more.. but e point is i now understand what it means to listen to God. it means to ask God what His cares are and how i can help. it's about blocking everything else out and remembering that in the end, this is the most important thing to do, to listen to God and do whatever He wants me to with faith and perserverence. the praying thing in ckass isn't really working out.. either Karyn or I always seem to have something more important to do in e morning and that just can't be the way. i personally have to learn to keep aside time for prayer, however much i might have to do. i'm a little distracted now.. cause i'm gonna have auditions in a while and i haven't really warmed up and stuff so i should really go. but it's good to know that God has this audition in His hand and that if i don't get in.. then it's His will. I'm so glad i know a God who i can count on and depend on to lead me in His perfect path. Thank You God! ..rubhi

nothing compares to the promise I have in You

2006-05-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not failing my chem!(or at least i hope not:)) Thank you God!! It really wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i mean the night before when i tried that paper.. i could barely do anything! it was horrible. and then during my actual paper.. i don't know. it was okay. i didn't suffer like the night before.. and i knew that was God helping me. making my mind clearer, providing me the memory i needed which i always lack so much of. and RIGHT before the exam Praba revised with me, and i know it was God directing us to which pages to turn to.. cause everything we studied like 15mins before the test came out! things i didn't know before. even just seeing praba's chemical equations on a few pages as she flipped through her file helped me cause she wrote H2O2 + something=... and i was thinking oh THAT'S hydrogen peroxide, and it came out! and i knew how to write e formula. thank you Lord! AND everyone found last year's paper(e one i was doing the night before) EASIER than our one. i know! God is so good. well my mind is alot clearer now about what it means to work for God. it means do my best and then leave it all the rest to God. I guess people can say "do your best and God will do the rest" and "it was all God!" and stuff like that but you'll never understand until you actually experience it ya know? I had A math and Geography today. Both papers didn't go too well. i mean a-maths was well, too thinking? you know? stuff that's hard to do in a strict time limit. i need to practise more. geography...hhhaaaii.. i don't really know. it was just well weird. some questions were just so out of the textbook i didn't know how to do them. It's okay though.. i know God's proud of the work i did. i mean i've never studied like i studied for these mid-years.. staying up late (like 1200 late okay!) i mean i know i've got to keep working hard or harder for the whole year (i'm talking like my mid-years are over or something:) still got emath, physics, amathspaper2) but i'm just real happy that i'm not so affected by marks on a paper anymore. there's no motivation like God! ..rubhi

You are the potter i am the clay
mould me and make me this is what i pray
change my heart oh God
make it ever true
change my heart oh God
may i be more like you

2006-05-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how just doing one paper can change your mood so much. i'm having chem tomorrow and i tried the chem mid-year paper only now (big mistake) so i'm now totally confused and convinced that i'm gonna fail the chem paper tomorrow. it's just really sickening you know? to study so much and then get a failing mark.. but i'm still know that whatever it is however many marks i get, they're still just marks on a paper and what matters more to me is that God's proud of me. what can be better than that? i mean i've done my best and that's what God wants and so i'm sure He'll be pleased.. i promise to do my best during the paper tomorrow Lord- it doesn't matter to me what marks i get, my life is in your hands and i will just do everything to the best of my ability and i know you will make the best out of it, and mould my life according to your plan. I thank you for making yourself known to me, that i have a Rock in times of need and a Purpose that i can always hold on to. i will continue to do my best for You Lord, honour that work and use it for your plan Lord. Thank you for remaining faithful even when i am not, and getting me through the past few papers. I pray that You will continue to give me the strength i need and I will never lose sight of You Lord, even during the papers. Thank yuo for providing me an aim and goal in life, i couldn't ask for more ..rubhi

Why TWO at one go??

2006-04-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

hi!!
it's been a loooong time since i last blogged. okay maybe not THAT long according to ka jenny's standards but long enough according to mine! where do i start? lent! definitely! i'm not like a totally new person or anything (i think that can only happen once while on Earth :)) but i do have a new found sense of realisation. i've come to realise whatever has been blocking me from God. including my studies, which i put so much importance on i actually start putting my quiet time with God in between slots for my study time. i shouldn't be making time for God, i should be making time for my studies. then again even my studying i do to honour God and use the ability He's given me so that in itself is worship to Him right. i've found that when people talk about worship the first thing that comes to every christian's mind (or at least mine) is singing and praising Him with songs but that's not all it is. worshipping God can be giving my life to Him or even just an aspect of it. worshipping Him can be just knowing He is the only God and revering Him. worshipping Him is studying/working/going about our daily lives in a way that is honourable or pleasing to Him. okay i've diverted quite abit. i can totally survive without my weekly fixes of american idol! or choir! or a plan to go out in the weekend! i don't need them to get through my week.. i'm perfectly fine with the joy of the Lord as my strength. He's given me so much throughout this could-have-been-really-stressful week. not just strength but peace, reassurance, and i think especially, an aim. everytime i just felt like uggggggggh.. i don't wanna do this anymore!! i just remembered Who i'm doing this for and i always somehow find new strength and determination. doing it for anything else i'd end up at the question.. so what? well anyway i had this terrible/wonderful INCIDENT with two insects. yes TWO. so i was happily and innocently studying in the hall while pop and mom were in e room and mom was clearing her table. then she comes out of her room and i think: oh she probably wants to put away some stuff and then suddenly i fel this swish at my head and it didn't take me 2 seconds to realise that there was probably a fly in my hair. I KNOW!! how gross right? and it wasn't just some ordinary housefly but one those flies that get attracted to the light and then burn and die? yea those. and it's was just so utterly gross cause it had probably been sitting in my bushy, cool (i'd just washed it) hair thinking hey! this isn't half bad! and i'm not burning i'm not burning! shishkebab. and so that was the first insect. sooo.. the same night where i'm again innocently walking about taking a break before i switch subjects when i find myself at the dining room table fidling with something. and i'm like hmm.. what could that be? so i look down and i see this saga seed like thing (it was dark reddish-brown!) and then i put it down and it's a.. a.. BEETLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXACTLY! even gross-er right??? and all in the same night! so obviuosly i screamed and screamed and shivered and shivered at the mere thought of fiddling with that thing and went and washed my hands like 5 times. YUCK. yea well after i got over the whole trauma of the incident and came a little back to my right mind i realised that both times however disgusted i felt, i never felt any pain! i mean the beetle could have very well bitten me. i mean i was turning it around in my fingers. if somebody tried to turn ME around i probably would have gotten quite visious myself but it didn't do a thing. and i promise you that my scalp is fine and my hair's all intact. so i know God was teaching me a lesson. He told me through that that He is incharge of all inects and creatures of the Earth and He won't let them harm me. I thank you for that Lord, that you care so much about me. i must say my fear for beetles has decreased considerably having fiddled with a real-life one:D but i know i can't go about fiddling with every insect just to get over my fear. i have to trust in God.. there's no other way. and i don't know why it's hard for me to trust in Him someimes..cause He's so BIG and so real to me.. but i guess as humans we're always kinda stuck in this one dimension of feelings/thoughts especially in times of crisis and can't look past them and remember God, which is why i guess i need to involve Him more in my life. every aspect of it.. so that however big the problem i can be calm and reassured knowing that the mightiest Being the universe, is right beside me ..rubhi

Thank You

2006-04-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

hi bloggie!!!
it's been a real long while since i've blogged but even now i can't blog for long. too much work to do!! the computer's fixed and ready for use! hurrah! and we found ka jenny's scripts! hurrah again! :D I was reading karyn's blog and karyn, you're seriously the sweetest!! I totally feel the same actually. Karyn's been yet another great blessing God has placed in my life and i really wouldn't have grown as much or yearned to learn more about Christ if it weren't for her. Thanks Karyn for discussing so many things about Christianity with me! I'm really grateful for such a wonderful partner. God just arranges things so brilliantly doesn't He? I just wanna thank God right now for putting so many loving people in my life that have helped me so much along the way. Like abigail and pastor ian and amaria and karyn. But for every person God brought into my life, He required me to take a step of faith. Like to join that GIG course, where i met abigail, or reply that email from pastor ian, or join a cell group, where i met amaria, or talk to my fellow classmate (karyn!). we need to get out of our comfort zone, take a step of faith, confront our fears if we want God to change our lives. it starts with us! we can't just expect it and wait. i also wanna thank God for the wonderful church He's put me in. It's really an environment that i can learn in. the teachings are purely scripture-based and when looking for answers we always turn to God or His Word, which really helps me cause i think way too much and i would never be satisfied with answers thought up by humans however, intelligent or trustworthy. I also wanna thank God for the great friends He's put in my life like Sarah, sindhuja praba and karyn. i know i don't have many friends but i can always count on them to be absolutely loyal and that's all i need! loyal, true friends, that even wait for like an hour for you to arrive so they can start eating lunch with me, however famished they may be. I really don't know what i'd do in school without them, they're people i can relate to and talk to at a personal level and yet they're people i can debate with and laugh over a disagreement. They're people who'll buy you fulscap and give you pens they don't need when they know you're always short of them! (thanks again karyn!) I thank God so much for them, and thanks family who was praying at e beginning of last year for me to find good friends. I did. well i better start doing some work now although it IS like 12 am already.. and i need to wake up at 9.. maybe i'll sleep now and wake up earlier tmw. ya. that's what i'll do. goodnight then! sweet dreams blog!

work work work!

2006-03-18T01:53:00.000-08:00

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
And I will be still and know you are God

Hi blog-ster. so it's been a REALLY fun week. i've just been having fun and more fun but God's telling me really clearly that it's gonna stop in let me see.. 2 days. wait. one day.. when my school starts again. it's gonna be hectic. it might even get mad.. but God's preparing me.. I can feel it. through alot of things. like songs. like when i heard this song again after a really long time during cell. God was just reminding me that there's really nothing to be afraid of and if i'm stressed or worked up or get obsessed as usual with my need to plan that He is King over all of that and there's no need to stress out.

I typed all of the above :D like 5 days ago meaning to finish up e draft and exactly what i predicted has happened. it's gtting so extremely busy but i just HAVE to type this. you see last satyurday after i came back from piano class.. i thought i'd brought back my piano bag, but it seems i didn't. mom mentioned the envelope with ms ong's and mark's money and asked me where it was but i had on idea. we searched the whole house but we couldn't find the envolopes. then mom suggested that they might be in my piano bag. then we searched all over for that, but couldn't find it. i just couldn't find it, but i was SO SO sure that i'd brought it home. so i just kept searching and re-searching when i got home from school but still couldn't find it. and i could have gotten really worried and agitated and so could my mom, but i had prayed that God would help me find it. that He would teach me a lesson but still help me find it in the end. and i just had faith that He would, and i'm sure God gave me and my mom alot of that faith cause now tihnking about it, i'm quite shocked we weren't more worried about it with so many books in that bag and maybe so much money. whatever it was, my mom and i didn't talk about it much, maybe fret over it a few seconds, but we were always confident God would bring it to us eventually, we didn't know when, but we knew He would. And God taught me a huge lesson, one that i didn't expect to be taught which was that faith and perseverence always delivers. today pa and me just sat down at the dining table and pa asked me to remember everything that happened. and i was actually quite annoyed cause i had recalled everything SO MANY times! but i decided nevermind i'll just try again.. and then i remembered!!! i'd gone to that christian bookshop to buy Rohan a cd and had left it on e ground while listening to it!! i knew at that moment that God had given me that revelation. nothing else! i mean i'd forgotten completely the past few days about my going there at all.. even when i saw the cd! and i knew that God in His own perfect timing had reminded me. What i learnt most from it all was that God wants eachof us to pray having COMPLETE trust that He has heard and that He will grant us whatever unless what we ask for is not the best way or is ging to hurt us somehow. but whetver the answer, yes or no, God wants us to have faith. there's no harm in it! but ALSO God's taught me that it's not only about faith, it's also about (well in my case) trying and trying again. it's about perserverence and sometimes hard work + faith. I was just reading ka jenny's book Glimpses of God and it has such an appropriate story. It was about a moment in the life of the evangelist, Dwight L. Moody. He was on a voyage in a ship and a boiler exploded during the journey annd the ship caught fire (it was wooden:)) and they formed a "bucket brigade" and tried to extinguish the fire. then one of the younger boys felt that they should all go to the end of the ship and pray cause "only prayer's gonna save us now". But Moody was like "Boy, you can pray and pass the buckets at the same time. Get with it!" And I tihnk God is really telling me faith and prayer's not enough.. hard work with strength that He will give me is what's needed. and it makes loads of sense. I mean if every problem were to go away if we just prayed and had faith and then if we just, slept and waited for it to go away, we wouldn't grow at all would we? we'd end up using God and not facing the trials on Earth and learning. And that also links up to my studies. i mean i'm always praying that God will give me the strength to study and having faith that He'll help me during my exams, but that's not all. God wants me to get off my butt and do some ACTUAL work. He's telling me that He can only give me the strength if i am willing to start doing some real work that requires perserverence and intelligence i do not have.. but right now i'm still slacking around.. waiting for god to bring me a miracle. wellllllllllllllll. anyway thank y0ou God for reminding me where e piano bag is.. and also for teaching me all those things!!! oh i know anyone who's reading this is probably wondering about e envelopes.. but i haven't actually gotten the bag.. it's in e shop and i'm collecting it on saturday with sure faith that they are! :D ..rubhi

reply

2006-03-09T02:36:00.000-08:00

well prabs i know it's a really hard concept to grasp but the fact still, and always will remain that so many many things cannot be explaied if there were no God. How did this World get created? how were we created? i mean we obviously can't have created ourselves, because that just doesn't make sense. and how do we know what's good and what's bad? where did knowledge come from? i mean you said the brain's amazing isn't it? isn't it's Creator so much more. i mean personally, i just can't look out of the window and say i created that. or it just appeared there. and like you said people need God and need one to sustain them through life and help them when they're down. and yea it IS a weakness! but let's say we did create a God to sustain ourselves.. then when I ask for that sustinence, comfort, help who is the one giving it to me? and about the love thing. i think you got me wrongly. what i said was that the love we find in that "someone special" cannot satisfy us in the end, because it is imperfect love. we say our i hate yous all the time even if you make up again after that and from that you can see that imperfect love. it's not always unconditional. so all i said was that love from another person is not perfect love that can complete you like God's love can cause every person is sinful and imperfect as you know. i mean love from another is very important, cause if it wasn't, God would have just made Adam, but instead He said "I will make a suitable helper for him", and made Eve out of Adam's very own rib. so what i'm saying is that that love received from that someone is very important, but one can still live without it like loads of people have (like Paul!) cause God is the one who sustains them. Like I said in my previous entry, Christianity is about believing in the one that takes away the wrath of God from you for your sins, so going to heaven or hell we believe, is determined by weather the wrath of God is still on you or not; so no, religion doesn't mean more caring and considerate people. it's about truth. anybody can be kind and considerate but not just anybody can accept the fact that they are imperfect and need redemption. and i know that you don't feel Go'ds prescence now, but that's mainly cause God's knocking at the door of your heart even right this minute, but it takes faith on your part to open that door ..rubhi
P.S i'm not too sure about that choir party anymore.. hmmm...

faith.

2006-03-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

hey bloggie..
so.. guess what. it's like my second day giving up tv and i'm already starting to realise what a hold it's had on my life. how much well, clutter it has created. oh! and guess what!! i ALMOST lost my wallet.. AGAIN! yep. but when i found out i'd left it again on e bus i knew what i had to do. it was out of my hands so i just prayed that God would deliver it into e hands of a nice person who would return it and He did just that. gave me a nice little punishment cause i had to walk 45mins home, but He also probed me to think alot and i've realised that when i get out of e bus, it's not e fact that i have my wallet with me that's e victory, it's e fact that i KNOW that e wallet is there. i mean loads of times i come out of e bus i furiously check my bag to see if i'd kept my wallet cause if it is, i unconsciously put it there. so yupp. it being there alone isn't gonna be what i'm happy about about anymore. and i realised that all this is really part of e whole forgetfulness part of me!!!! and that like mom said i just have to be more AWARE of e things that are happening around me you know?yup.. so prabs!! i know you're really confused now but first, let's all take a breather!.. aaaaaaahhhhhh. that felt good :) (i'm KINDA weird:))

So let me first explain what lent is. it's the forty days leading up to Easter Sunday. it's forty cause of the forty days fast of moses, elijah and Jesus himself, but personally i don't think the figure really matters. Lent is basically the time in which Christians prepare for Easter. It's not doing something to please God, it's just about giving up distractions to concentrate on God. It's a time to remember Jesus' crucifixion, to repent of our sins and just gain back sight of our purpose in life. so we give up something that's been distracting us from God and use the time (like when i'm not watching tv for 2 hrs) to spend time meditating on His word and remembering the grace He has showered on us. GOD DOES NOT REQUIRE US TO DO IT. i tihnk that was your main conern ya? we're not doing it cause it's just some compulsory thing in christianity. God loves you just as much if you don't do it. it's what we do out of our love for God. out of our want to be closer to God. and that's achieved as you take out e worldly clutter of life.

I think one big question you were asking out of that was why should we do things trying to reach God's standards when we already know we can't and when God already knows He can't. well that's e main difference between Christianity and alot of other religions, we don't. we don't like you said "not eat meat on certain days or poke oneself with needles to repay God", all we do, like go to church take holy communion, celebrate lent is basically all out of our love for God. christians are still redeemed even if they don't go to church or celebrate christmas or lent, as long as they believe in Jesus Christ. and why is that? cause you see before Jesus came, the people were contantly (like in Islam) sacrificing goats, lambs, sheep cattle and even their first borns, to gain atonement from God for their sins. to gain um redemption you know? ya. but when Jesus, the Son of God came down to Earth, He died on the cross as a sacrifice for all our sins and that's why He's called the Lamb of God. cause you know, He was like a lamb being sacrificed for the atonement of everyone's sins, only much, much bigger. and that's why only if one bleieves in Christ will they be saved, cause if they don't then God's wrath is still on them and they have not been atoned for our redeemed. make sense eh. so UNLIKE other religions, christians don't have to do good works, like pierce needles onto their bodies or avoid purple:) or sacrifice animals to redeem themselves cause Jesus has alreadylinked us to God Himself. cause it was our sins that were getting in the way of our having a relationship with God, but with Jesus overcoming that, we can. phew. i hope you understand now. "Why then do you have to try to please him/her by abstaining from certain things, like TV, in your case." you see i don't HAVE to prabs. i do it out of love for God, out of wanting my life to be a holy sacrifice for Him, out of wanting to clear up the clutter in my life to make more time for my relationship with God.
you also said "Why do you see a need to always be closer to God or please him/her when you already know that he/her is as close to you as is possible?" It's true, yup, i DO know that God is as close to me as possible, but that doesn't mean that I am as close to God as i possibly can be. and that need is created in me by God. why? cause God made us and wants to be partners with us throughout our lives so that we may be complete in Him. that need has been created in everyone, even you prabs. why else do we all look for a God? i mean why did we even START asking that quesition who is God? EVERYONE has asked it. not one has not at all thought about it. everyone chooses their own path whenever in life they may find it. i mean you decided to be agnostic, but only after searching and thinking about a God. fact is, that need for God, that need to know a higher being, that need to find completion is a god-given need so that you may find Him standing right next to you.

you also asked"And why, pray tell, do you seem to think that TV, studies and whatever else is keeping you away from God? Wasn't he the one who put you on this Earth, knowing very well that you will grow to love all these things and maybe forget him/her a little?". well yes He did put us on this Earth but He did not create the TV or whatever else would distract one from Him (cause it's all quite personal), he LET us create them. yes He did know that we will grow to love these things more than Him and forget Him, it's practically everywhere in the Bible, but that is created by sin. our sin. our sin has pushed God out of our lives. our sin has made us forget that the Greatest and Holiest is God. that all glory belongs to Him. so basically, (i'm using this word way to much:)) I think TV and EXCESSIVE studies (actually it's just the fact that school takes away the focus of, actual learning which eventually leads to glorifying God, to studying/memorising to get the marks) does keep me away from God cause it distracts me away from the main focus of my life, God, but it is not God that created this distraction. it's our own sin.

"And why, and this probably made me the most indignant, do you think that love is just spending time with another sinner? Is that how people with a religion have classified themselves and others? As sinners? Well, that is terribly tragic. I do not consider myself a sinner, I consider myself a mere human, learning new things everyday and growing to appreciate the world and people around me and also myself." okay i sincerely don't understand your first line. love is just spending time with another sinner? when did i say that? love is much, much more.but you answered your question in e next line, in e following one. you said that you considered yourself a "mere human". what does a mere human mean? it means you're not perfect. you mean every human has done wrong and therefore when one does wrong, we say that we are merely human. so you see we all know that we have done wrong and that there is NO HUMAN that has never done wrong, or sinned in their entire life. not one. so instead of saying we are mere human, we say we are sinners. is it not essentially the same thing? we all do wrong and we all learn from those wrongs but that does not mean we are immediately redeemed cause God is Holy. and that level of Holiness cannot be reached by any of us. which is why we are redeemed by the atonement of our sins by the sacrifice of God's Son. you see! it all makes so so much sense!:) okay i better not get too excited. hehe.

"I am not at all ashamed to say that I do tend to look forward to things like American Idol and Survivor and huge shopping trips; it's what makes me human, but most importantly, it's what makes me happy. And I'm sure God, if such a person truly exists, wants us all to be happy. And by giving up TV, what are you doing? Creating more time to spend with God? It's all rather silly (I'm SO sorry if I'm offending you, but I find this whole idea very hard to swallow) if you ask me. Anyway, what does talking to God acheive?" you're right-o again! God DOES want us to be happy!!! and He does want us to enjoy the things of the World but He does not want us to be attached to them cause they can only provide temporary happiness. I'm not giving up American Idol cause i shouldn't enjoy these things, i should! but i'm giving them up cause they're things that I look forward to, and when they end i get so upset cause they've played such a big part of my happiness. God wants us all to realise that we can't depend on the temporary happiness that we feel on Earth cause that can't sustain you. and you see personally that was e trouble i was having. i was constantly looking for things to sutain me, to bring me that short-lived pleasure and so i've given it up for 40 days to find the love and happiness that God wants to give me so that i may once again sustain myself on that love! on God! because He is the only never-ending thing that exists. HE is the ONLY thing that one can depend on because everything else will fade away. no. He's the only thing WORTH depending on cause everythine else will fade away. s what God's saying is, go ahead! ahve fun! enjoy e pleasures of the World, but don't depend on them cause when they end you'll just be groping aorond for more of these pleasures and never be fully complete, satisfied.

okay about the second part of your quesiont, what does talking to God achieve? in other words, why talk to God? Well firstly, christianity isn't really a religion, it's a relationship with God and in relationship, it's natural that we relate to Him by talking to Him. He mainly talks to us through His Word and our questions are answered, we are comforted (like e time after my geog exam remember?) and we can give thanks for our blessings. you are just in this secure place. this place where you know you can't be shaken. you remember your purposes in life, i mean when you set aside time for God everyday, your life just gets back on track, you remember everyday your focus in life, God. the centre of your life, your decisions. you remember that God leads the way and you're just, secure. it's quite ahrd to explain, but it comes with a relationship with God. and you say talking to God isn't gonna change the World, but prayer is talking to God and God can change the World. but that also requires faith on your part. God said that faith can move mountains and it can also cure the sick and help the needy. God is has all the power inthe World. many people tend to forget that.

you also said,"And besides, so what if you can't take material things with you after death, at least you got to enjoy them while you're still alive." the saying/verse isn't saying that you can't enjoy the material things in life at all. God says enjoy them! but don't depend on them. Well anyway i believe that in the whole of eternity, our life here on earth is a small little dot and that the rest of eternity is spent in heaven, so is it not more important the treasures stored up there (the joy and peace experienced form being eith God) rather than our earthly treasures. is that not what we should be looking forward to??

"If there truly was a God who made me so beautifully perfect, with no birth defects and a fully-functioning brain, I don't believe in being thankful and worshipping him and "pleasing" him all my life. I believe in playing God and trying to perfect someone else's life." you must understand that doing good for yourself andespecilly for other is mainly what pleasing God consists of. IT's written all over the Bible that doing good pleases God. One of our main purposes on Earth is to do good, which pleases God. "For we are Go'd workmanship, created inChrist Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do". light-bulb moment?? yea. so a lot of things please God, one major thing being doing good works:) okay i've answered every question that i can find to e best of my ability in your blog so i hope this has helped ..rubhi

Lent

2006-03-05T01:45:00.000-08:00

hey bloggie!!!!!!
i've got so much to think about. so many decisions to make and it's so terribly hard. i don't make many of my decisions. i usually follow someone else or ask for answers (my mom loves giving em). i think it's time i make my own decisions. so first up.... worship team!!! should i join it or not? will i be creating more stress for myself or will i be helping myself shift my focus from studies, school and more school to pleasing God in other ways and having a more rounded life. i mean i DO need to be more involved in church and get to know more so that i can find other ways to help out. AND even if it IS my o-level year, next year i'm gonna be in JC!! and e year after that it'll be my A-LEVEL year! and so on and so on.. SO, instead of procrastinating i think i'll just join. but as a trainee first:) okay now that's settled. second thing. what shall i give up for lent??? i'm tihnking TV. but is that a bit too much? okay reasons: 1. it takes up alot of my time. because of TV i take like an hour to eat my lunch/dinner whatever and that time could be used to have some quiet time with God instead. and i just watch it for e sake of watching too. i sometimes just watch nonsense shows too. i really don't know why. AND i'm forever looking forward to tv programmes throught e week . I mean i'm either waiting for American Idol or Survivor or some other reality tv show. and i shouldn't be. but why??? well cause i'll start being sustained on them and that can NEVER be good cause like everything except God, they'll end. (i HAVE to keep reminding myself:)) and i started thinking maybe i'll give up like meat. i mean tv is to relax! and what am i gonna talk about to my friends if i don't watch AMI. i mean meat is MCUh more difficult to give up. THEN i realised i was just making up excuses cause it's not true. tv's what's gonna be most difficult to give up but i tihnk i'm gonna grow out of it. i REALLY think so. to know that ic an get through my week without TV? that's gonna make me realise what an awesome God I know. i mean food and stuff sure i know God supplies that and that even if i was stuck in a desert God would still provide food, but would i really be, sustained??? it's because i try to sustain myself on programmes and trips and performances that i don't realise how much of that sustinence is from God. i use the word sustain ALOT. but i think that's one of e key problems i face and i can't think of any other word! think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think. sorry. i keep typing tihnk!!! anyway i tihnk (THINK!) that's about all i need to clear up with myself. so i'm joining e worship ministry for back-up singing and giving up TV for lent. sounds good. better go finish up my work ..rubhinni

STILL phlegm-y (that's seriously not how you spell it right?)

2006-03-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

helooooooos!!
i'm here instead of doing work again. am still having loads of phlegm in my throat. it's actually mucus that's travelling down that whatcha-ma-call-it (never realised that that's really what-you-might-call-it:)) canal and i just keep swallowing it cause i'm so tired of spitting it out into some tissue and getting my tongue all dry after wiping the phlegm off it. i know. eeeeeee. and e nasal spray is quite intoxicating especially when your nose is all blocked in e first place. oh and um, john who commented on this blog, i really don't want people rating my blog sorry. i'll feel pressurized to type interesting things and e purpose of this blog is not to entertain :). anyway i seriosuly doubt you're gonna be checking to see if i really joined that thing so i'm really typing to no one. Pastor Ian did a series on boyfriend and girlfriend (don't you think they're kind of stupid names to give?) relationships these past few weeks and surprisingly it was quite interesting. i mean i've always thought i've had enough cme lessons and "talks in the hall" to know just about everything about e topic but i didn't. like i never knew that there IS still that thought that one day my prince will come and carry me away from all my troubles etched in the back of my mind although i know logically that'll never happen. and it's all because of these fairytale stories, movies about perfect couples and strangers meeting online and "falling in love"(i strongly believe that can never happen:)) that unknowingly influence teens everywhere. i mean so many are blinded from e fact that you'll never find that perfect man although you can see it in marriages everywhere. i personally have never seen a "movie-perfect" marriage or a 'happily ever after' ending in real life. I think in the end what everyone's really looking for is that sense of completion and satisfaction and unfortunately movies potray that completion through a partner very very well. and that just ends up in a person waiting a third of their lives for that 'special someone' and then end up not finding satisfaction though them and becoming desperate. but then again it IS in these times of desperation that people find God's perfect love. fact is we can never find completion in a another sinful, imperfect human being can we? cause they're looking for e exact same thing too. i mean i see so many of my friends so desperate to get a boyfriend that they put up pictures of boys from other schools on their computers they've never even talked to before, only seen. and it's ruining their studies. it's ruining their already shaky morals, principles. i mean one doesn't go looking for a partner, when it's e time God will present someone before you and i so wish i could tell them that. well i guess i can. i'm personally just so thankful that I've already found my prince charming, Jesus and that well, He's taught me these things. And i guess now it's my turn to help others ..rubhinni (i love my name!)

2006-02-24T07:13:00.000-08:00

hey bloggie!!!!!
so guess what. e main common tests are finally over and i SINCERELY have no idea how they went. weather i'll pass or fail. no idea. but i'm quite glad they're over. ire all yneeded time to just SLEEP. i slept e whole day today with alot of interruptions from my mom, but i still selpt for like 2and a half hours. then i watched AMI hen i watched survivor and now i'm here. hwat a lazy pig right? but you know what. i seriously don't tihnk feeling guilty the minute i stop doing work is very healthy at all. i mean sure our brain needs some exercise once in a while but so does are body, and spirit and they need rest too! i think i'm really gonna start going into studying as a form of learning rather than scoring well. i mean for years people would tell me to study for God and for years it's been ahrd for me to get, i mean why does God want me to study?? okay, to learn. so i'm gonna study to purely learn. cause when i go into an exam or start studying and say i'll do this for God I think, there're so many other ways to please God. So now i'm gonna just study all my subjects with e mindset of me learning from it all. i'm not gonna concentrate on six subject so i get those 6 A1s cause that's not e point of school, of education. learning is. so i'm just gonna learn as much as i can about each subject and then pour everything i've learnt and remembered up to that point onto e exam papers. grades will always only be grades but learning is a lifetime journey (gosh i sound like a lifetime learning add:)) and i know that's what God wants me to do, to learn and make e most out of my life here on earth. well i'll update more tomorrow, got lots more to say but i'm gonna call my kajenny now and wake her up! toodaloos! ..rooooooooooooooooo

SHE'S NOT IN!!! :( and i ran into e dark living room and switched on e lights and fan and everything too!!! with all e creatgures of e night probably staring at me. now i have e music on quite loud to shoo any insects that might be attracted to me as they usually are. i don't know why i'm so afraid of insects. i seriously don't. and i wish i did cause they're not all that scary are they? i mean haven't i had enough encounters to be used to them?? actually i'd ratehr call it an extreme disgust. but um okay it's getting to dark and creepy and weird sounds are coming so i'm gonna go try and sleep and finish up tomorrow. me and nights just don't mix.:)

phlegm-y

2006-02-16T03:20:00.000-08:00

hey bloggie!!
Singapore's weather is so weird, yet cute. it suddenly started pouring just now and i switched e computer on to blog and by e time e computer loaded the heavy rain had turned into a light drizzle. oh singapore. i feel SO safe here. there's this one killer on e loose who shot a father and tied up e rest of e family in Serangoon and the Police blocked off roads and sent out descriptions of the man everywhere and the aorport police are on high alert now!!! so he's probably somewhere in hiding not daring to do anything now. and i was so freaked out at first and then realised these things happens in bigger countries all the time and NOTHING like what is being done here could be or is being done there so i'm feeling all blessed to be in such a safe and well-governed counry. okay NOW i understand what mom and the infamous Mr.Ravi keep saying about my super long sentences. hehe. I had my english and social studies common tests today. sigh.............. english was OK i GUESS. but social studies ayoh. what can i say??? it was such a mess? i didn't have enough time?? the irritating thing is if i just had the whole day to think and not be pressurized thinking about how little time I had i'd like ace it. SERIOUSLY!! but i don't. and it's frustrating cause people who don't even study and don't even CARE about social studies are getting higher marks than me!! argggh. it's totally not faaaaaiiiiiiirrrrrr! i really can't stand this system of having to do exams in a fixed time. it just adds so much pressure. and it becomes a test of how fast you write and how much you've memorized and can vomit out rather than something that requires intelligence or further thinking or analysis. but i can't do anything about it which is what frustrates me so much!! i mean e whole exam system is like that. what can I do. the thing is mom's ALWAYS taught me that i can always do something about it and usually i can but this is so much out of my hands. i can't change the whole of singapore's exam system. siiigggggggghhhhhhhh. ah well, when things are out of my hands I know where to turn to so i'll be fine:) SOO can't wait for Maya akka Owen Rohan and Charllene to come down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i better not get too excited in case they can't make it afterall. also if i do i'll be doing everything looking forward to them coming down and miss them SO much when they leave. it's still been hard for me to look forward to heaven as I go about my life and i think it might take a while. i guess however much i try to grow up fast i'm still such a teen:) i'm feeling really sick. throughout the exams i would suddenly like not be able to concentrate and i would start to see things out of proportion. like blown up. it's just that you're gonna get sick feeling. and i HATE it. that phlegm thing i got in London still hasn't gone away.yup. 4MONTHS! and it still hasn't stopped. the phlegm. oh the phlegm. it's just getting me more prone to sickness. mom thinks i might have asthma!!!! cause e phlegm kinda come esp after running or drinking something cold. but i've been taking my vitamins and drinking so much water that i'm deemed as "ALWAYS needing to go to the toilet". ah well. it's still nice being sick cause you can just sleep in all day and most of all NOT STUDY ( i bet my mom's gonna make me study after reading this:)) okay okay i better go. feeling guilty already for spending like 15mins blogging. will go read through some physics now.seeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaaa! -you-know-who

Christianity.

2006-02-05T03:22:00.000-08:00

WARNING. OUTRAGEOUSLY LONG ENTRY. READ AT YOUR OWN EYES' RISK :)
hey bloggie!!! i have so much work i'm starting to feel sick but i'm sure i'll manage with God by my side! i'm really gonna get into the habit of praying and asking God for perseverance and strength to do my work before i start cause it really helps. more like God really helps me :) You know i actually asked God to give me some trial in my life the other day?? i know. how weird am i?? i guess i was just feeling so blessed! But God answers all questions however dumb and He told me something to the extent that they'll come and sometimes all at one blow, and these times of happiness and blessing are what i'm gonna remember and get over my trial with, and are what will help me to remember that there's a God holding my hand every step of the way through my trials. Oh by the way, I think they've started! haha! I just felt really overwhelmed this morning before church and even after service to the point of feeling sick because of all the work i have to do but as the day passed God just kept assuring me that if i just put my burdens in His hands He will take care of me. I don't know how He assured me, I just know He did. it's so hard to explain moments like those. you just KNOW eh?

And I just read your entry prabs! and well my reply is you're partly right! well it's not that God wouldn't mind your skeptism, it's just that God knows and does not condemn you for having it cause He knows we're human and imperfect. you're also saying that accepting God would be easy cause you could blame everything on Him and get help from Him whenever you need Him and life would just be a piece of cake and you'd never grow and just be babied around right? Well you touched on ALOT of things prabs just in that one sentence. so let me reply one by one ya?:)

Firstly, accepting the existence of God does not equal to blaming everything on Him. there are mainly three things that causes suffering in general. one, our own sin (e.g. taking drugs, smoking - addiction), secondly, other people's sin (eg. wars, greed, hate. jealousy). and thirdly, there's Natural Disasters. now that's a hard topic but Jesus does say many times in the Bible that an indication of the coming of the end are natural disasters. When asked about the signs of the End of the Age Jesus said "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places" Matthew24:7 i'm not too sure about the natural disasters part of suffering but i'm sure someone or rather will comment and explain! :) but WHATEVER it is I believe that God works through suffering. so basically believers actually know MORE than others that their suffering is because of their humanly sin and not because of God, but I think that God does put trials in your life to help you grow.

So on your second part of the question, I feel suffering brings us to maturity. God is much more interested in making us holy rather than happy and He often uses suffering to bring about His good purpose. my sister gave a really good example once but i can't remember it now. so sister! please comment and say that incident again! So basically it's all linked. The trials that we bring upon ourselves or that God puts in place are there to help us grow and mature and because of these our lives are not just all free and easy. But God is there to help yes. not to SOLVE, HELP. we still need to do that bit of growing up, but that growing up also involves one learning to depend on God and seeking help from God knowing we're imperfect and helpless really. so you're sentence "Life without God would be harder, don't you think?" is right! cause you'd experience the same troubles and trials but have no higher power to depend on to assure you that things not in your own hands will come through because He is in-charge of all! because you wouldn't have that Creator to assure you, have faith, and Divya will come on time and you can catch the premiere of the movie on time (remember that incident??). i could tell you loads of incidents where God has comforted me, helped me and taught me valuable lessons at the same time.

you also typed "God being God (assuming he IS nice and saintly and all that) would help me even if I don't believe in him right?" And you don't believe He's helping you now already, you not believing in Him:)? I don't think ANYTHING OR ANYONE else could have blessed us with the homes, the families the friends, the education, the food that we have now. But anyway, let's just say everyone doesn't believe in Him and He just keeps giving everyone everything they need. Everyone will start believing that they themselves are getting what they need because of their OWN hard work and will never realise the pure existence of God or who is giving them that ability to work hard. So God IS good, cause by helping us only when we believe in Him and by having faith that He will help us, He teaches us that it is only through Him that we exist and that we are helpless without Him. it is only through this that God shows His glory, his power, his involvement in our lives.

okay it's not ONLY through that. you can see His glory in His creation as well. I mean who can look at the sky, at the seas, at the meandering rivers and the alluvial floodplains :) and say that it all just "appeared" here. There is a Creator and He sure didn't just create all of this and take a vacation to Pluto or something. He's too involved in my life for me to even think that we've been distanced from Him. You know you typed there's too much against the existence of God to prove it. but i don't think i need to prove it. I think his wonderful creations, you and me and our intricately designed bodies and the World around us lie testimony to His existence. I have yet to find anyone who opposes that. I mean if there is no God how does the sun keep revolving around the Earth so that thee is night and day, I mean it can too go on vacation to Pluto or bounce around in space:) well I have SO much more to say but I'm sure your eyes are hurting by now my dear prabs but please keep asking me questions. You know I'd never believe in anything, dedicate my life to something I wasn't sure existed. I'm sure you know me well enough:) but I understand that everyone's different, and you probably look at it all at a more intellectual viewpoint like my cousin.

And by the way, you will never find anything in the Bible backing up agnosticism:) cause from the first page to the last page, it's all about God. And there is SOOOOOO much evidence to prove that the Bible is true and I'd get you a book (newly published!) with all of it if you'd read it, but the facts can get quite boring(or maybe that's just me). Along with a REAL Bible, not the weird fake one you have at home! haha! Hilarious. Actually, I must say it was reading God's Word that really started me believing in Jesus. You just can't deny it:) Phew! That was one long entry! Haha! Ah well. I hope it was informative for you Prabs. Okay I better go finish up my SS studying. See ya on Monday prabs. And thanks. This really cleared up my thoughts too.

can't wait!

2006-01-28T02:56:00.000-08:00

helloooooooooooooos.
i'm feeling super lazy again. just don't feel like doing work (when do i?) especially when no one else in the house is. mom's sleeping and pa's on e phone as usual. i wish something exciting'd happen. i've just realised that the most exciting things that happen in my life are me and my friends going to watch a movie or eating lunch together. wow! how adventurous. i wonder what other dangers we might encounter on our next visit to... The Mall. but well, at least i'm safe. bored, but safe :) i really need to start planning out my days and make FULL use of them. i tend to laze around and stuff alot which i need to stop doing cause i'm really not maximising the day and end up watching tv for like 2 hours before going to bathe and then contemplate comprimising my Quiet Time time but of course i never will. it's so much more important and i enjoy it too much:) i was in one of my thinking moods the other day and i realised something. every week, i'm always needing something to look forward to. and it's really quite sad. i mean if there's an outing on saturday, my whole week will be focussed on e fact that there's something good at the end of the tunnel/week and my week'll go that much quicker. i'm always looking for things to look forward to and if i can't find one, i make one, however small it may be. like i'll ask my mom if we can go shopping after my piano lesson on saturday, or go to Thai express for lunch on sunday. i'm not really dependant on it but i still hold onto it. and i've realised now that there's a much bigger tunnel at the end of which there's something MUCH greater eh?whenever i think of going to heaven, or anticipating it, i don't think of that inheritance like alot of pastors and cell leaders ask us to. i just don't. i mean i've heard loads of sermons/cell words about looking forward to your coming inheritance especially during the hard times of your life but that's just, i don't know, unsatisfactory for me kind of. maybe it's cause i just can't understand what my inheritance (eternal and unfading joy, peace..) will feel like.maybe it's cause my conception of eternal joy has the limit it has on earth. it's just unimaginable. but God isn't. God isn't unimaginable at all. shouldn't it be the other way around?? that's what i look forward to when i think about heaven, not e inheritance, it's meeting the eternal God!!! my CREATOR. whaao. oh!!!! so our inheritance is that joy and peace we get from seeing and being with our God?? now THAT joy i can imagine. i so can't wait!!! eeeeek!!--(that was so totally poser. eeek?? eew!) i love having a blog where i can clear out my thoughts like i told anita akka. thanks for e idea ka! so i know now that through my week, i should have one and only one focus. my meeting with God and doing my best for Him so that it's guaranteed! :) oh shishkebab. mom just reminded me of all e work i've gota do. oh fiiiine. i'll see you around bloggie!!! until next time.. toodaloos!

the search for completion!

2006-01-18T00:49:00.000-08:00

guess who's back again. well kajenny, since you're half way aorund the World and all i thought i should give a quick recap of my stress here. i can't stand school. i wish someone'd kick me out of it and i could just bum around home the rest of my life. there you go. :) nevertheless it's still been fun. e teachers just pamper you so much and actually talk to you like you're a normal human being and not just some dog going through training. no more demerits cause you FORGET to bring your textbook, no more warnings cause your shoelaces are untied, no more you shut up and i'll talk class time. we actually get to say our opinions and talk to the teachers like friends. they love us. well they desperately want us to do well but yah. same thing. (as sindhuja would put it). i seriosuly don't know what i'd do if i didn't have the few friends i do tohugh. i'd just be miserable and without friends. i just can't relate to anyone else in my class and it's not like i haven't tried it's just that they're funny, is not my funny. SERIOUSLY! anyway these few weeks have been well interesting. i learnt alot. esp from ka jenny leaving. surprisingly enough, it was worse this time. i guess it was cause we were all trying to be really strong and you could see it. and also cause it's worse once you remember again how it feels to have her around and then to let her go again. i know it sounds super sappy (i was gonna right soapy:)) but it's truuuuuue!! i was soo sad e night she left esp cause she just HAD to start crying and all. oh ka jenny. and that's kinda e last image i had of her so you can only imagine how long i remembered it. but well e thing is i really did learn alot from it. i was reminded of that verse in Matthew 10 where it says never to love your parents (or sister:)) more than God for well He IS our creator. and it's not that i feel too attached or anythin cause i'm only 16 and i have a right to be :) but i realised that what i think about EVERYONE ELSE having other things like actors, money, popularity, stories to sustain them rather that our eternal God, applies to me too. i realised that although i'd like to believe that God's the only one who sustains me, that well, He's not. my family does. the love of my family does. i'm always needing hug therapy and kisses, but these are only physical things. they'll all fade away like every other thing on this earth but God won't. He never will. and no one on earth can EVER EVER love me like He does but why is it so hard for me to love Him back? I realise now that love is much deeper. i used to think that i was so totally in love with God when i first accepted Christ like last June and He was just showering me with blessing after blessing, miracle after miracle. But now i know that all that was just so that my faith will be kept strong through memories of them and that what i felt from that was not love, it was gratefulness. love is much deeper. ( for some reason i'm reminded of that weird art film we watched in the Tait:)) it's something that's hard to grasp cause we think we're loving our King but are we really? am I really willing to give up my family for Him? But i know God understands that we'll never love Him as much as He loves us and that my earthly desire (love from other people) will be hard to break, mostly cause it's more physical, some thing you can experience more readily, but i must say, never fully fulfilling :) when i went to cell last week i found evryone else experiencing almost the same kinda trouble. Noel was also findin it hard to be sustained by God when you can't directly see him, or hug Him. Vicky was finding that going back to the basic questions of Christianity was really hard for her. abigail was startingto find comfort in God's Word and so on. so everyvody's problems were interlinked and we just did a round of prayer which really touched all of us and i could really feel God's prescence and his comforting hand on all our shoulders whispering how proud He is of us. He's relaly answering our [rayers that the cell will grow together and learn more together and we're all bonding more. we even sang the most appropriate song for all of us during cluter worship. Deeper in love. i needed to grow deeper in love with God and and fulfill that longing in my heart completely. finding the truth and fulfilling your mind's thirst for knowledge WAS one part of that completion i needed but not the main part at all. now that i've discovered that truth, i wanna be closer to that truth so that i might be secure and my life might be complete.

Christmas

2005-12-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

my first entry!!! woohoo!! i'm all hyped up after yesterday's events. I thought I should make a blog for anyone to read cause so many things are happening and have happened and I know are gonna happen :) God's touched my life so much especially this year that I just HAVE to tell everyone all He's done. that verse up there's my favourite verse by the way. so anyway it was christmas yesterday and I got diarrhea ( is that how you spell it?) in the morning. vunderful. but yea well the rest of the day was just full of us hurrying about and getting tense which is all quite sad really. well whatever it was God still made a way and we all had a great party with the relatives. I'm real glad everyone enjoyed the games we prepared!! it took us alot of energy to think up all those stuff and i was so glad we had time to play all of em. i would have been real sullen the whole day if we couldn't play just one of them (this is dedicated to ka jenny--), i'm weird like that :) anyway the last game we prepared was this game where everyone had to answer 'if' questions and when me and kajenny (to people who are abit freaked out by this foreign word that's my sis [akka+jennani=kajenny]) were setting the questions i wrote one that went 'if there was one thing that made your day what would it be' and the first thing that came to my mind was my quiet time with God which i do everyday cause it's the only time when I feel i'm really me you know?? cause God knows me best, like noone could ever, and so I just feel totally me. if you know what i mean. and I'm the sort of person who always imagines a situation like me getting that card and how I would answer the question and i'll take like 15mins just phrasing and rephrasing how i'd say it and picturing how it'd go, especially when I plan to talk to someone about God or ask a question about Christianity, but we had to go on writing so i just kinda left it hanging and forgot about it really. and yah you can guess what happened. during the game, guess which card i got. i really just burst out(okay not exactly burst, it was more of a pop:)) laughing when I got the card half wishing i'd phrased it in my mind before this and mostly thinking whao God you really planned it all out yah and knowing exactly what God wanted me to say. so i just said it.cause it was true. there's no other thing in my day that keeps me going like my time with God does. and i realised something yesterday after everyone left, there's no need to find a perfect way to say something cause if it's something God wants me to say I've just got to relax and say it cause God's putting the words in my mouth for sure. wellwell it was a great party and I know that our prayers were answered. I know everyone was touched someway or rather. oh yah another thing. i sent out christmas cards this year and cause I heard wrongly i only put mine my sis and my mom's names on the cards and i was seriously sad when mom said she would never say a thing like that and when pa was real sad and a little mad about it when atthai called to tell him. actually i was super sad cause i knew it was all my fault and i just kept asking God to turn back time so i could add pa's name and being me i kept imagining the scenario and me adding his name but i finally realised that surely there was a reason for it to happen cause i just couldn't imagine any way that i could have added it after 'hearing mom say it'. i don't know, the thought that pa might be hurt or that it was a family to another family just didn't cross my mind AT ALL and these things usually do. so well i just accepted it and found God's comfort and thank God noone even mentioned the cards yesterday and i was just soooo happy and grateful. okay i've written a tad too much now hehe. well all i have to say now is merry christmas! to anyone who's reading this and welcome back kajenny!!! i missed you loads! and it's just been such a blessing just having you around the house again!! love you!!!